Just a heartbeat away

I've refrained from expressing any really overt political views because this really isn't that type of blog, but this is so much more than not knowing how to spell potato.

Hmmm

I'm allowing myself a little glimmer - he's up to 15lbs 12oz which is a good 6oz gain from two weeks ago. I'm just starting to smell of maple syrup and I've managed to get a few pumping sessions in while remaining sane. Still refusing the bottle, but I'm going to pick up some different nipples over the weekend and see if anything changes.

This is not new

Call me strange, but watching the 6ABC Action News every evening is a daily ritual for me - somehow just having it on makes even the most horrendous day a little more bearable and best of all it does not involve nicotine, paying usury (but oh so worth it) amounts of money to Starbucks for coffee or leaving the house to get the first two things when I'm in an antisocial mood. As you can picture, this is something I do every day. No matter what, the turning off of children's programming for the news comes as a huge shock to Michael complete with screaming, teary tantrums. Frankly, the turning off of children's programming for anything is met with huge protest (yeah, we watch way too much TV - but seeing as how I'm clinging to sanity by the skin of my teeth I'm cutting myself some slack), but the turning on of the news which happens every day bugs me to no end. I start giving him warnings after 4:00 and ask him what time it is and what does mommy do every day at this time to no avail.

Right now he's sulking in his room because I wouldn't give the TV a "rest". Call me mean, but watching the news in relative peace is almost worth it.

I don't even believe things any more

more animals

One word - Croup

If you can't say something nice...

My life is starting to look like it's being written by a writer who was fired from a soap opera for being too melodramatic. Rather than bore you with the details, ejoy the monkey hitman.

To Whom it May Concern

I do not know who the hell I pissed off, but enough is fucking enough all ready.

Sincerely,

Jenn
one beat up woman

PS: Oh and to the resident I just spoke to on the phone - if your practice is now doing well woman care, then you better sure as hell expect to get the occasional phone call from someone who is not pregnant but is still having a problem serious enough to warrant a call at 8:00pm on a Friday evening - telling me to take Tylenol and then hanging up, ya know there aren't even words for it.

I have my work cut out for me

Talked to the GI and the celiacs panel was negative but she's really concerned about his intake as am I. I have no strong opposition to supplementing or formula, the problem is that my kid does. I'm breaking out the herbs and my double electric pump to see if I can get things going and praying that that will do the trick. He wanted nothing to do with the RTF formula I have by bottle or dropper, but maybe he might be more accepting of expressed breastmilk. I'm going to give myself through the weekend and the beginning of next week, then I'll look into getting an SNS and getting some professionals involved.

This just brings back the nightmare that was pumping after each feeding for Michael when he was an infant, except this time I'll have to find time to do it with two kids. The saving grace is that Alex is a lot more accommodating now than he was months ago and is happy sitting on the floor playing with stuff for 15-20 minutes at a time which will give me time to pump. I'm also going to pop on over to Jan Andreas' site to convert one of my bras to a hands-free pumping one which should make things a little bit easier.

Wish me luck because I'm going to need it - now I just have to make sure to keep things slightly balanced so I don't burn out, because trust me that potential is sooo there and I've already stepped over my limits several times this past week and it ain't been pretty.

Now we wait

I just sent in Alex's pretty abysmal nursing intake to his GI and I'm hoping that I'll get a call in the not too distant future from her so we can see what needs to be done next. I'm going to start the blessed thistle/fenugreek regime tomorrow and then do some more weights on Friday to see if there is any change - I may need to keep the scale for a bit longer than I anticipated.

My sister M came over and took Michael over to my mom's house so I can get some down time and Michael can be the center of attention for a bit. I feel so bad for him right now - he's not getting nearly enough attention from us and is in full-on sibling rivalry mode when John has the baby. I think I'm going to be falling back on family for a while so they can give him the attention he needs while I work on rebuilding my reserves.

Alex is asleep, so I'm going to relax for a bit and probably lay down myself since I know it's the Motrin keeping me going right now and I'll have to pay back for that soon enough.

Uncle!

Now I'm sick - not just feeling like crap sick, but full on malaise, light-headed, dizzy and fever sick.

I really didn't mean to kill those puppies in a former life.

Quiet Time

I definitely could have gone about this better, rather than the terse bordering on barking responses I gave Michael, but I have instituted a quiet time in the house. Alex is napping and Michael has to stay in his room until I get him, probably around an hour. He was a bit upset, but I managed to give him a hug, apologise for being short, and give a little explanation of what's going on. Yeah, I could have used the time Alex is napping to do something special with Michael. The thing is I am way too overdrawn on energy to even think about doing something like that and Michael is still stuck in the "any attention is good attention" feedback loop - not a pretty situation. Hopefully and hour of quiet will allow me to get my shit together so I can be at least the mediocre mom I know I can be, rather than screaming harpy mom.

Off for some naan and chicken biryani.

Would it be too much to ask?

For me to not have to deal with the latch from hell on top of everything else that's going on? Two new teeth, stressing about intake, bad latch to accommodate new teeth (and probably trying to make his gums feel better) which results in hamburger and poor milk transfer. It ain't pretty folks. As if every feeding wasn't already wrought with enough stress, now toe-curling pain and wanting to gnaw my own skin off can be added to the mix.

Ah, good times.

Trying not to read too much into things

We saw the GI on Friday for Alex and did a blood test for celiacs and I rented a baby scale to see just how much he's getting from nursing. The past twenty-four hours aren't looking too good - he took in just over half of the maximum you'd expect and about two-thirds of the minimum. I will say he's just cut his second top tooth and for him today was a pretty horrendous nursing day - one which has left me very sore. Even with that factored in, I'm pretty sure my supply is playing a role in his slow weight gain. I'm going to keep records for the next twenty-four hours and see how things look and then start the herbs and do some more weight checks to see if there is any improvement.

I'm trying really hard to stay out of the "this is my fault" place. I will say there is some strange contradictory information on KellyMom, and trust me I've been reading it all day. One place says a woman's output is 24oz and has a handy calculator script to figure out how big you should make your child's bottles based on that number. They also link off-site to several places that say a baby's intake should be between 2 and 2.5 times their weight, which results in *very* different numbers. Color me dazed and confused.

No more computer time for me tonight - I'm off to see if I can do anything about my sore breasts - baby teeth are flipping sharp.

Paranoid Much?

First off, Michael went through the night without a coughing fit so we headed that one off. Prednisone is DONE! The ped we saw on Friday has started him on a daily dose of Singulair as a prophylaxis so we can avoid things getting to the point that we need steroids so I have my fingers crossed.

Now that boy the elder is taken care of, boy the younger has decided that he wants in on the action. On part of the ped's advice, we increased his solids (always given after nursing, no way am I cutting out high calorie breast milk for low calorie carbs when my kid's gaining less than two ounces a week, can't believe she even suggested it). There were some changes in his bowel habits (sorry for the TMI) and after a few days it began to worry me a bit since it was such a drastic change and it was looking like nothing was being digested, and these were purees. I called the GI on Monday and we have an appoint on Friday afternoon. I've been trying to convince myself that I'm just being super paranoid, but the fact that the doc called me back herself does freak me out a little bit. We have an appointment at the end of the week and not a, "Bring him to the ER now" situation, so that's a bit of a relief. We have cut way back on solids and things are settling down again so that's good. Obsessive person that I am I flit from "I'm blowing things way out of proportion" to "I have been systematically starving my kid and or hurting him with my reluctance to go on an elimination diet" which is such a fun, happy place to visit. I told John that I plan to have all of my talismans in place on Friday - my cell, i-Pod, and DS all fully charged and at least three knitting projects. Frankly, I really doubt something is that serious that they'll keep us, but I'm hedging my bets all the same.

Of course the poor guy is working on all four front top teeth at once - the left-most tooth broke through yesterday and the other three are only days away. Sunday night Michael climbed into bed with me and turned on the radio so I got to listen to Bob Schaefer interview John McCain which meant that I did not fall asleep until well after it was over. Then last night Alex was up with the teething at least four times. I got *most* of a dose of ibuprofen in him tonight, so we'll see how that works.

I'm going to take myself, my atrocious run-on sentences, and dodgy punctuation downstairs to spend a little time with the husband who is also sleep deprived and not a little worried about his wife and kids. 'night all!

Prednisone Redux

It's almost painful seeing how much this medication changes Michael. Yeah, it turns him up to "11" and since he's close to 10 as it is, that in itself is difficult, but he's been a wreck emotionally all weekend. I'm going to see how tonight goes, but I may need to keep him home from school tomorrow and *gulp* do an actual breathing treatment again since I'm not happy with how his cough is progressing between the prednisone and the ventolin. Frankly, just writing that means I should call the ped and have him checked out. Fingers crossed that he sleeps through and the coughing fits stop.

Man oh man do I ever hate this drug. At least with the grape flavoring he'll take it without to much of a fight, but I'm sure on some level he knows it's responsible for making him feel all out of sorts and that is contributing to his reluctance to take any of the medicines.

I Heart TSR

And no, I am not referring to the publishers of the original Dungeons & Dragons to geek minded.

My knitting group sent me a bunch of lovely notes and a Starbucks gift card. Thank you so much guys - it seriously made my week.

Demanding my village

I have decided that I can't do this alone anymore and I need some damn help. I left a message on my mother's answering machine saying that I need help from her and my sisters and to please call me. It's time for my family - who live 15 minutes away!!! to pony up and start putting their money where their mouth is. I'm stretched way too thin and there is only so much that I, S and my husband can do to help - hell I even have H offering to help out with Michael and I've only met her in real life twice and she lives almost an hour away (not to mention having 3 kids of her own).

I can no longer pretend that I can do this on my own - I am missing my kids growing up and I'm not doing it to them any more. Every few months there is always talk of taking me shopping or taking Michael for a few hours - well I'm going to start scheduling it and I'm not going to back down even if I get the whole "grumble, grumble, grumble" attitude. In an emergency, my family is assembled in a heartbeat - but soul crushing situational depression apparently doesn't count.

NOT ANY MORE.

Someone has to be at the bottom of the chart

Alex only gained 8oz in the past 5 weeks. His height for weight percentiles have stayed pretty steady, so the ped isn't too concerned. I am freaking a little bit - I'm pretty sure Michael had at least 5 pounds if not closer to 6 on him at this age. Did a little bit of smiling and nodding about solids advice and vitamin drops. I just have to let this go. His output is good, he's nursing 8-10 times a day and eating solids 2-3 times as well. He's meeting milestones and the picture of health.

Yeah, trying to convince myself a bit there.

Just burned

I am just burned the fuck out. That is all.

This should be pretty

Well, my latest project in Noro Silk Garden Sock definitely is, but the week isn't shaping up to be.

Alone time today was a bust. I was way too wound up to even think of leaving - all I'd be doing is waiting for the cell to ring telling me I needed to come home. Anyways, Alex woke up not 10 minutes after I finished writing the last post and then another twenty minutes after that. Not much of a nap, but he doesn't want his arms swaddled anymore and wants to nurse until he's sleepy, but suck on the pacifier and pet/squeeze by breast or arm until he falls asleep so we've got this learning curve to look forward to all week. He's also a little stopped up from solids and his top teeth are slowly coming in 'cause you know misery loves company. As if this wasn't enough to be going with, he has a repeat weight check on Wednesday. I know he's gained weight - it's a question of how much. Anything over a pound and I'll be ecstatic.

Not to be outdone by his brother - Michael has been nursing a cough for the past week which has finally crossed the line from little cough to full-on unproductive-if this goes on for more than a few days we'll be in prednisone hell-kind of cough. He's now getting some guaifenesin in addition to his ventolin and I am praying that it will be enough. I'm kicking myself for not being as on top of it as I could this past week - I only gave the ventolin for a day or two when it first started and it almost disappeared for a few days so he didn't get anything then. If anything, I need to talk to his ped so I can get some sort of regimen going for when the cough starts.

Well, I have dinner waiting for me downstairs and then I'm off to bed. Hopefully both of them will sleep better tonight (frankly, anything would be better than last night), but I'm not holding my breath. If it's really bad, I think I may ask John to take a sick day to help me because I'm not sure if I can keep my shit together after several nights of crappy sleep. Who am I kidding - it's been close to a year since I've had a decent night's sleep, but the past few days have been a bit more heinous than most.

I've been doing a little more thinking on the whole, "You'll miss it when they're older" sentiment, and I think the thing that pisses me off the most about it, is that I want to be able to savor those moments now and my reserves are so damned low that I am missing them. More to come - when I can write coherently which may mean that you are in for quite a wait.

TTFN.

This message will self destruct...

in 3, 2, 1

I'm off - boy the younger is asleep, boy the elder is at my mother's and the husband is shooting things on the laptop downstairs. One stop to grab my knitting and the nintendo then I'm off to Starbucks.

Please God, let him sleep