Pics abound!

Easter moments

If only it was always this easy to get him to sleep.

Rainbows and Sakura

I've been actually bringing the camera along with me most of the time recently. Granted, it's because I've been taking lots of pictures of knitting techniques for the Knitty Keen blog, but the side benefit is pictures of the kids a little more often.

Here's the double rainbow we were lucky enough to see on Friday evening.

The clouds kept rolling overhead while we were at the park and we were waiting for the downpour to start any moment. It did start to rain while we were walking home then the clouds rolled and the sun came out treating us to this.

Philadelphia Cherry Blossom Festival - Sakura Sunday



I awoke to Michael bounding into our room this morning telling me how excited he was to be going to the Cherry Blossom Festival. He also shared his excitement with everyone (and I do mean everyone) we bumped into on our way to Fairmount Park. I went with Alex tucked into a sling last year on a windy gray day but this year we had picture perfect weather. Bright sun with enough of a breeze so it wasn't too hot. Michael enjoyed the drummers and his fruit salad while I found a neat bento box for him and these super cool and super cute little zipper pulls.



John poked fun at me for quite some time afterwards because he said I actually squealed when I opened the package and was bouncing when I was asking him for more money to get another one. The stand where we bought them from has a shop in town which I will definitely be visiting in the future (for the curious - Omoi).

Alex slept through the entire thing, but we got him up to eat before the bus ride home and managed to get Michael to stay still long enough for a quick family picture.

More pics than you can shake a stick at

if you are so inclined to shake sticks at pictures...

He really did fall asleep this way




and Michael, as always, getting in on the action




just shy of 14 months




pure ham




where there's one...




the other...




isn't far behind

Backed into a corner

That's a huge understatement of how I feel right now. Breastfeeding Alex has always been rocky - slow gaining in the beginning, the whole FTT/low supply song and dance and lets not forget the bad latch - of which I have what I hope is not a permanent reminder (callous - ouch). There have been some nice parts, don't get me wrong - but for the most part it has been a constant struggle. Even now I'm downing the fenugreek and blessed thistle again to boost my supply so he'll hopefully give me some rest, but after a year of toe-curling pain and not a few tears I am really ready to be done.

My mind is at war with itself. There is a big part of me that continues for the reason that I never made it this far with Michael - our nursing relationship was dysfunctional from the start and ended when he got his first cold and went on a strike. There there's the whole WHO recommendation of nursing for two years minimum which has been beaten into my head from the message boards I frequent. There's the fact that Alex is only 13 months and still such a baby and really does need it, not only for nutrition but the emotional attachment it brings.

Those are all reasons to continue, there's also the fact that constant sleep deprivation is taking a heavy toll on me. I never fully heal - the past year has been one long series of colds that never quite go away. My body is always achy because it never gets the restorative sleep it needs to function. I am starting to have some serious concerns about the toll this is taking on my health - both physical and mental. My brain is mush and I am not nearly the parent I know I can be to my kids because I'm always just shy of complete exhaustion. Hell, so much of my energy is focused on just getting through the day that I rarely get to just sit back and enjoy my kids.

I've made the decision to night-wean and then onto complete weaning if that doesn't work. We are starting the arduous process of registering Michael with the school district for kindergarten and in my current mental state there is no way I can be the advocate I need to be for him. I can't skip meetings or doing things because I'm too exhausted or just can't muster the mental energy necessary to interact with people beyond the baristas at my local Starbucks. While Alex has some pretty big needs right now too, I can't sit this process out - it's too damned important. I want to do what's best for myself and my kids and unfortunately that might mean not breastfeeding any more.

I'm probably trying to convince myself here more than the faceless internet. I've made it to 13 months nursing and that's no small feat considering the social climate and the obstacles I've faced. I'd like to continue to do so, but the time is fast approaching where I'm going to have to make that hard decision between doing what's best for me and my family verses the standard that others have set.

Pookey

Is the name Michael has given my newest knitting creation. I want to make a second model and then I'm going to so who wants to test it for me and may even try to *gasp* sell the pattern by the end of the week. I'll post some pics of the models later today.

I finished the BSJ in record time - had the seams sewn and ends woven in by Sunday night. I have to block the hell out of it because it just fits Alex. I'll post this elsewhere as well, but I managed to get the whole thing done including small sleeve extensions and a full i-cord bind off with about 3 yards of yarn to spare - so you can get a BSJ out of 280yds of sport-weight on Size 7's if you enjoy living dangerously.

I of course have the obligatory million projects going at once, but I've been surprising myself by actually finishing some stuff.

In other news, Alex is becoming the walking machine - he's up to around 10 steps at a time now. It's such a different experience from Michael - he was so cautious and Alex just strikes out in whatever direction he fancies.

We are off to "coffee". TTFN!

Still Aten't Ded

Short and sweet, bulleted list...

• Alex turned one yesterday - where did the last year go?


• We are starting the long and perilous process of enrolling Michael in Kindergarten. Keeping my fingers crossed that I will have no need of the appeals process for his IEP. I also have a ton of vaccinations to catch up on for him - yet another thing I am not looking forward to.


• Back to Alex - he's taking steps! I am so not ready for this.


• I only have six more months of four left - it can't come soon enough. At least I've been able to restructure my parenting to what is developmentally appropriate for Michael. It's a hell of a lot of work, especially when your reserves are almost nil, but things are getting a bit better.


• As to emotional reserves - they are still being taxed to the breaking point, but I have a day or so out of every week where the kids sleep and I can be close to the parent I know I can be to them. This too shall pass.


• Lots of knitting going on. I'm making the commitment to get Knitty Keen off the ground and I have John's support. Like everything else, it's going to be hard as hell - but the payoff will be so worth it.


• This is going to be a year of changes - we are working on some major decluttering in both our house and our lives. I've been feeling like I'm stuck in a rut for ages and I'm going to do something about it. Look for radical hair cut and new glasses in the not too distant future. I am endevouring to become "that mom" but hey, there are worse things to be. Frankly, anything is better than the way I feel I look now and I need to do some stuff so I can get comfortable in my skin again.

Kids need feeding. We aren't doing the real celebration for Alex 'til tomorrow, so I'll be sure to get pics up. TTFN!

This is not what I signed up for

There are few parenting tasks that are as hard as administering medicine to a child who doesn't want to take it. Michael's RAD has reared its ugly head once more which means I have to use the big guns - the nebulizer and albuterol. Not only does the albuterol make him wired beyond belief, but he has once again developed a huge aversion to the nebulizer again. There's nothing quite like pinning a 40lb/45" preschooler who is half a step away from complete hysterics while keeping a mask on his face for the ten minutes or so it takes for the albuterol to completely vaporize. Thankfully, his respirations aren't that bad but he's having retractions so skipping it isn't an option and I have no desire to make a late night visit to CHOP if his respirations get high which they have a history of doing.

Because misery loves company, Alex is steps (ha) away from walking so I have the joy of a milestone driven sleep regression on top of the white noise of teething. I hate the triteness of the phrase, but This too shall pass has been my mantra. It won't always be this intense and in the grand scheme of things this period is just a drop in the bucket. Unfortunately, that provides little comfort while I'm in the thick of it and ready to sell my soul for sleep and time alone.

We had a fairly quiet Christmas with lots of pictures which I'll get around to posting at some point. John got me Lego Batman for my Nintendo DS and has been working hard to make sure I get some time to actually play it the past few days. Michael loves his WALL-E and EVE action figures and his Matchbox car case is seeing a lot of use. Alex has a new to him walker/ride-on car which isn't seeing use as a walker yet but he's been having a lot of fun playing with the gadgets on it.

Peace has descended on my livingroom for the moment, so I'll take my leave now.

I have a month's worth of knitting,...

Christmas is next week, I have a half a pack of cigarettes, two children and am chronically sleep deprived...

All that's missing is a cool soundtrack and "unnecessary force"

In all honesty, several presents will be given on Little Christmas because barring time travel (and how I wish I could do it), it's just not possible to do.

In other news, Alex is topping the scales at 20lbs and is just shy of 28" - not too shabby considering three months ago we were looking at a possible feeding tube.

Kids are asleep - knitting beckons.

Turning a Corner

Well, I hope I am.

I'm slowly settling into a routine with Alex and his feeding - as long as I am super vigilant about taking my fenugreek and blessed thistle, there is a definite flow and it's one that I can live with having dealt with the alternatives a few times over the past several weeks.

I am still not the parent I want to be to Michael, but I try my hardest to be every day. Although I feel like I'm spending way too much time apologizing to him, he's accepting of me as I am and I still get lots of, "I like you, Mom" which in Michael-speak means a hell of a lot more than a simple, "I love you."

I did remember it at the last minute - but my 9th wedding anniversary was last week. I still can't believe I've been with John for 11 years and married for the last nine of them. Most of all I can't believe how incredibly blessed I am to be able to share my life with this man and raise children with him. Life almost never relents, but we've been making the effort to maintain our relationship - granted dates are always with at least one kid in tow, but it's something and we'll have real couple-time again soon.

Last but not least, my mind is starting to overflow with ideas once more and I actually am able to put aside time to do something about it. Currently, I'm busy knitting prototypes and items to sell, but in the near future I'm going to really concentrate of self-publishing some of my patterns and get my act together and actually finish my perennial Knitty submission. Keep your eyes open 'cause some changes are on their way.

Kids are both asleep and John is off from work so I can take myself and my knitting up to Starbucks for some quality time with my I-pod. TTFN!

Feeding time

The CHOP feeding evaluation went pretty well. The doctor commended me for being on top of things and it looks like we've ruled out both malabsorbtion and a mechanical/physiological reason for his feeding problems. I was able to coax him to take a few sips from a medicine cup so we are trying to do that twice a day which is very slow going. I've also been fortifying his purees with some powdered formula which hasn't phased him and makes me a bit happier that at least some of his calories have more nutritional oomph to them. The feeding team feels that his GERD is really playing a large role in his nursing behavior, so there is probably an endoscopy in our future which scares me a bit because of my last experience with a sedated test.

Not much else going on - lots of things to try, but only so much time and energy to do them. I feel horrible for even writing that, but I have my own limits and Alex definitely has his so I'm not going to drive us 'round the twist trying to everything at once - been there, done that and the only thing that results is stressed-out mom and kid so I'm not going to borrow that guilt this time.

Mad Dash

I got a call when we got home from the park and they have an an opening at the CHOP Feeding Clinic tomorrow morning. I have to fill out an eight page questionnaire to bring with me. Just trying to tell myself that this is not all in my head, I'm not making a mountain out of a molehill. Hopefully, I'll get some advice and maybe a few answers tomorrow morning.

Same old song

I had a glorious week above the situational depression haze - I cooked, I did crafts with Michael, my cold was almost totally gone, and I didn't need to complain about life because everything was tolerable. Then I missed a dose of fenugreek two days in a row, started doing before and after weights again and literally watched my supply go down with each nursing session while his irritability increased, finally realized that the spots I was seeing on the disposables every second or third change were uric acid crystals, and the icing on the cake - I'm sick again.

I called an LC at Pennsy and probably sounded like a raving lunatic who weighs her child every 5 second and spends way too much time on Google - in my defense I do neither of these things, well I try to keep the Google-ing to a minimum lest I go completely insane. At first the LC was pushing for me to just call my ped and get an appointment (probably also thought I was a bit crazy for thinking that I was going to be sent to the ER for mild dehydration, but with my luck I know better having been there so many flipping times in the past nine months and the fact that I was home alone with two kids). We were talking a bit and I mentioned how he refuses to take anything in a bottle even when obviously hungry and she asked about a sippy cup - yeah have four and at least six different bottle nipples. I also told her about the GERD and the laryngomalacia. Her tone changed slightly from, "this is a hypochondriac mom who spends too much time on the internet" to, "maybe there is something here after all" and she gave me a name and number to call over at CHOP to have him seen in their feeding clinic.

I just want this to end - I got a week's breathing space. Yeah, probably about a third of Alex's calories were coming from solids but that's better than the half it is now. Because of all the supply issues, he won't tolerate staying with John so I had to turn around and head right back home as soon as I got off the subway in town yesterday. Consequently, I was not able to go to Jersey yesterday and get the fabric for Michael's Halloween costume and had to ask my mom to pick up some stuff for me to make him a pumpkin and further realize my limits and take her up on the offer to make the damned thing.

The dehydration thing is really bugging me, especially since his output is on the low side to begin with and in hindsight the uric acid crystals have probably been showing up a lot more often than I realized so I will most likely be spending a chunk of time at the ped's tomorrow where I have no idea what they'll do since he can't/won't take anything from a bottle, sippy or syringe. GAAAHHHH!!!! Breastfeeding was supposed to be easier dammit - I'd take washing ten bottles a day with a flipping q-tip over the heartache and self-doubt this debacle has caused. Yes, there is no guarantee that he would not have had the same if not more problems had he been exclusively formula fed and yes there are aspects of breastfeeding that I love and would not trade for the world, but the fact that every time I build up some self-confidence in my ability to nourish my child something comes along and rips it to shred is getting really old.

There is a cup of coffee downstairs waiting for me. Sorry to disabuse you of the idea that no news was good news. Knock on wood, at least it's not a complete train wreck and damn it those words better not come back to bite me on the ass.

---

ETA: Just so you know, my fears of being sent to the ER stemmed from the fact that I was waiting for another diaper with uric acid crystals and it didn't appear until 4pm - just in time for my ped's office to close and for them to pawn me off on the ER.

Hmmm

I'm allowing myself a little glimmer - he's up to 15lbs 12oz which is a good 6oz gain from two weeks ago. I'm just starting to smell of maple syrup and I've managed to get a few pumping sessions in while remaining sane. Still refusing the bottle, but I'm going to pick up some different nipples over the weekend and see if anything changes.

I have my work cut out for me

Talked to the GI and the celiacs panel was negative but she's really concerned about his intake as am I. I have no strong opposition to supplementing or formula, the problem is that my kid does. I'm breaking out the herbs and my double electric pump to see if I can get things going and praying that that will do the trick. He wanted nothing to do with the RTF formula I have by bottle or dropper, but maybe he might be more accepting of expressed breastmilk. I'm going to give myself through the weekend and the beginning of next week, then I'll look into getting an SNS and getting some professionals involved.

This just brings back the nightmare that was pumping after each feeding for Michael when he was an infant, except this time I'll have to find time to do it with two kids. The saving grace is that Alex is a lot more accommodating now than he was months ago and is happy sitting on the floor playing with stuff for 15-20 minutes at a time which will give me time to pump. I'm also going to pop on over to Jan Andreas' site to convert one of my bras to a hands-free pumping one which should make things a little bit easier.

Wish me luck because I'm going to need it - now I just have to make sure to keep things slightly balanced so I don't burn out, because trust me that potential is sooo there and I've already stepped over my limits several times this past week and it ain't been pretty.

Now we wait

I just sent in Alex's pretty abysmal nursing intake to his GI and I'm hoping that I'll get a call in the not too distant future from her so we can see what needs to be done next. I'm going to start the blessed thistle/fenugreek regime tomorrow and then do some more weights on Friday to see if there is any change - I may need to keep the scale for a bit longer than I anticipated.

My sister M came over and took Michael over to my mom's house so I can get some down time and Michael can be the center of attention for a bit. I feel so bad for him right now - he's not getting nearly enough attention from us and is in full-on sibling rivalry mode when John has the baby. I think I'm going to be falling back on family for a while so they can give him the attention he needs while I work on rebuilding my reserves.

Alex is asleep, so I'm going to relax for a bit and probably lay down myself since I know it's the Motrin keeping me going right now and I'll have to pay back for that soon enough.

Trying not to read too much into things

We saw the GI on Friday for Alex and did a blood test for celiacs and I rented a baby scale to see just how much he's getting from nursing. The past twenty-four hours aren't looking too good - he took in just over half of the maximum you'd expect and about two-thirds of the minimum. I will say he's just cut his second top tooth and for him today was a pretty horrendous nursing day - one which has left me very sore. Even with that factored in, I'm pretty sure my supply is playing a role in his slow weight gain. I'm going to keep records for the next twenty-four hours and see how things look and then start the herbs and do some more weight checks to see if there is any improvement.

I'm trying really hard to stay out of the "this is my fault" place. I will say there is some strange contradictory information on KellyMom, and trust me I've been reading it all day. One place says a woman's output is 24oz and has a handy calculator script to figure out how big you should make your child's bottles based on that number. They also link off-site to several places that say a baby's intake should be between 2 and 2.5 times their weight, which results in *very* different numbers. Color me dazed and confused.

No more computer time for me tonight - I'm off to see if I can do anything about my sore breasts - baby teeth are flipping sharp.

Paranoid Much?

First off, Michael went through the night without a coughing fit so we headed that one off. Prednisone is DONE! The ped we saw on Friday has started him on a daily dose of Singulair as a prophylaxis so we can avoid things getting to the point that we need steroids so I have my fingers crossed.

Now that boy the elder is taken care of, boy the younger has decided that he wants in on the action. On part of the ped's advice, we increased his solids (always given after nursing, no way am I cutting out high calorie breast milk for low calorie carbs when my kid's gaining less than two ounces a week, can't believe she even suggested it). There were some changes in his bowel habits (sorry for the TMI) and after a few days it began to worry me a bit since it was such a drastic change and it was looking like nothing was being digested, and these were purees. I called the GI on Monday and we have an appoint on Friday afternoon. I've been trying to convince myself that I'm just being super paranoid, but the fact that the doc called me back herself does freak me out a little bit. We have an appointment at the end of the week and not a, "Bring him to the ER now" situation, so that's a bit of a relief. We have cut way back on solids and things are settling down again so that's good. Obsessive person that I am I flit from "I'm blowing things way out of proportion" to "I have been systematically starving my kid and or hurting him with my reluctance to go on an elimination diet" which is such a fun, happy place to visit. I told John that I plan to have all of my talismans in place on Friday - my cell, i-Pod, and DS all fully charged and at least three knitting projects. Frankly, I really doubt something is that serious that they'll keep us, but I'm hedging my bets all the same.

Of course the poor guy is working on all four front top teeth at once - the left-most tooth broke through yesterday and the other three are only days away. Sunday night Michael climbed into bed with me and turned on the radio so I got to listen to Bob Schaefer interview John McCain which meant that I did not fall asleep until well after it was over. Then last night Alex was up with the teething at least four times. I got *most* of a dose of ibuprofen in him tonight, so we'll see how that works.

I'm going to take myself, my atrocious run-on sentences, and dodgy punctuation downstairs to spend a little time with the husband who is also sleep deprived and not a little worried about his wife and kids. 'night all!

Someone has to be at the bottom of the chart

Alex only gained 8oz in the past 5 weeks. His height for weight percentiles have stayed pretty steady, so the ped isn't too concerned. I am freaking a little bit - I'm pretty sure Michael had at least 5 pounds if not closer to 6 on him at this age. Did a little bit of smiling and nodding about solids advice and vitamin drops. I just have to let this go. His output is good, he's nursing 8-10 times a day and eating solids 2-3 times as well. He's meeting milestones and the picture of health.

Yeah, trying to convince myself a bit there.

Evolving beyond the need for sleep

I am not sure what is up, but boy the younger decided he was not ready for bed earlier and is currently trying to scale my body so he can smile and coo at the laundry basket behind me. Whenever I let him stand up he gets this, "HHey, this is sooo cool!" look on his face.

As if there wasn't enough going on right now

I am bowing to the siren call of the Ravelympics and discounted yarn. I want to knit the boys matching sweaters for Christmas and had settled on a yarn (Cascade Ecological Wool), but not a pattern yet. I checked in the other day to see a new post on the Rosie's Yarn Cellar blog saying that not only were they "sponsoring" a Ravelympics team, but they were offering a 15% discount on yarn. Some hurried sleuthing later, I've settled on making Sherwood from Knitty. The only fly in the ointment is that Rosie's only has two skeins in a few colors of the Eco Wool, not the three that I would really need to get two sweaters so I'll only be doing Michael's right now.

So let's see - the perennial Knitty submission (which is going in this year, dammit), all of my regular knitting, 17 days to knit a sweater for my Michael (which to be honest really is closer to a woman's small), and two high-maintenance kids. I am insane and I have the papers to prove it.

On the good side, I smell of maple syrup and Alex is nursing well again, he is napping in his bed, and I actually got 7 hours of broken sleep last night with a nice three-hour chunk thrown in so things are about as well with the world as they can be right now.