Alexander's Birth Story

The night before Alexander’s birth, I was more than a bit of a mess. All of those statistics about the risks associated with a scheduled cesarean that I had faced and made peace with came flooding in. It took a bit, but I was able to find my center again by drinking a hard cider and stringing the birth beads from my Mother Blessing. Of course, once I had the beads strung and everything packed and ready to go it was pushing three in the morning, but I went to bed anyway and day dreamed about meeting my new son in a few hours.

Our plan was to make our own way to the hospital by taking the bus like we did for Michael’s birth. It was frigid cold that morning, so my mom came over and dropped my sister at the house to stay with Michael and drove John and me to the hospital. Check in was a breeze, we took my last belly shot and made some nervous jokes about what was to come. I changed into a gown and settled into the bed so they could get some monitoring in. After many questions and a fun twenty minutes or so while they had to hunt for Alexander’s heartbeat because he chose that time to spin around and hang out flat up against my back, we were almost ready for the section. I could feel my nerves starting to creep back up. I had a lot of trauma from Michael’s birth and I was getting scared that Alexander’s would be a repeat.

My OB came in for a quick visit before we went back, as did the anesthesiologist. From what I can gather, my doctor requested a specific anesthesiologist since my experience with Michael had been so horrific. It was finally time to go back to L&D and then onto the OR. I remember giving John a quick kiss as I left him in the recovery room to put on his scrubs. The spinal placement was a dream - all I felt were the lidocaine shots. The anesthesiologist was absolutely fantastic. He explained everything he was doing in to me and was so completely on top of things - he would be giving me a shot of anti-nausea meds right as I was starting to feel nauseous. In no time at all, Alexander was out and letting the world know just how angry he was to be evicted from his cozy home. I remember both John and me crying as we heard Alex screaming at the world. Once he was bundled up, John sat down with him by my head and we both marveled at our second son while they finished the section.

After the section was complete, we all went back to the recovery room. Alex’s blood sugar was borderline, but I was prepared this time and able to get him latched on with no problem. John made some phone calls to family and friends to let everyone know that we were happy and well. He went upstairs with Alexander to the nursery while I stayed in recovery for a bit longer while my room was being made ready. Alex had to stay for a bit in the nursery for some observation, but soon he was in the room with us and we began falling in love with him in earnest.

The recovery definitely had its ups and downs, as did breastfeeding and dealing with two children, but I could not have asked for a more healing birth experience. My spinal placement was a breeze, I had no pain while they were closing me up, I had my wits about me and the meds wore off in a reasonable period of time. We had all that morning and afternoon to get to know each other and by evening we were more than ready to welcome the rest of my family in to meet the baby. Our postpartum period was a dream as well. Friends and family really came to bat with food for us. Even now at 5 weeks we still have stuff left. Aside from a few small stumbling blocks in the beginning, breastfeeding is going well and I’m slowly getting the hang of meeting everyone’s needs (including my own). Our family feels complete now and despite some tumult, we could not be happier.

This was written several weeks ago, I just hadn't gotten around to posting it yet. I'm not sure if I'll post it on my message board as it was not a coerced or medically indicated cesarean birth, but we covered that in another post. Thanks for reading.

Sleep deprived ramblings

I've done the math and it looks like I've basically been awake for going on six days now - I haven't had more than 2 hours consecutive or three hours total sleep a day since Sunday. This makes for some very interesting emotions, to say the least, and as a treat I am sharing my garbled thoughts with you, the internet...

I'm pretty sure The Serenity Prayer is going to be something said daily, if not hourly over the next several weeks/months/years. Right now the current last line (which isn't at all witty - sorry for misleading you earlier S) is, "and to not raise my voice at my child for his completely developmentally appropriate behavior." This should give a little clue on how well Michael and we are doing with the transition.

For whatever reason, I no longer feel like I'm a part of my due date club on my message board. I had a scheduled repeat section and I keep reading subtle judgment into every one's responses to how I gave birth. Yes, I know this is classic projection and it's just my usual way of finding something to beat myself over the head with. Despite the hair shirt I am determined to wear about the cesarean, the experience was everything I hoped for and needed it to be. So much trauma from Michael's birth was healed that morning, and I finally had the empowering birth that I wanted, despite it's surgical nature. I'll probably write up a birth story in the next few weeks so I can get all of the good and the bad out there.

We had Alexander's first visit to the peds this morning and it went really well. The ped isn't freaking about his weight loss (he's down to 8lbs 14oz from the 10lbs 2oz at birth) and we are both confident that he'll be back on track by next week. The LC visit last night was great as well - I learned some new positioning/latching tricks which are almost the opposite of what I was told by the LC's at the hospital, and Alexander is feeding well at last. We'll most likely continue with some syringe supplementation (10-20 cc's per feed) through the weekend until his output is back to where it should be, but I have a pump now and my milk is in so we won't need the formula any more.

After all that, it feels wonderful to be falling in love with my new little man. He just seems so tiny compared to my memories of Michael as a newborn. It's even more funny since their birth stats are pretty much identical - Alexander was 10lbs 2oz and 21.5 inches where Michael was 10lbs 3oz and 21.25 inches. It's all down to build, Michael was (and still very much is) a very solid kid, where Alexander seems to lean more towards lanky. I have a feeling that despite his high birth weight, he's going to be on a completely different growth curve from Michael as well.

This weekend, "sleeping when the baby sleeps" is definitely going to be a priority so I can break the hold the sleep deprivation has over me. The next post is all pics and then it's off to nurse and take a nap.

Oh, and by the way, I actually manage to nurse Alexander in the crowded peds waiting room this afternoon - the first time I've ever done it. Yay me!

Finishing touches

In a mere 7 hours, the Bean will be here.

I had my freak out and got recentered stringing the beads from my Mother Blessing so John can hold them close to me while Alexander is being born. I just have to finish packing up my bag and then it's off to bed for a few hours until we get up at 5 to head out to the hospital.

Wish me luck - I'm going in....

Wading in

This afternoon I'll be bringing my cesarean birth plan with me to my OB appointment. I'm certain that my doc has probably never seen a birth plan for a scheduled cesarean and I feel my requests very reasonable, so lets pray it goes well.

I figure I may as well come clean...

...and announce that I am having a repeat c-section for the Bean.

I'm not quite sure who I am writing this for - to assuage my own grief over not persuing a vaginal birth, a response to the faceless participants on on-line message boards who seem to have all the answers, or to my unborn son who I want to know that I did the best I could with what I had.

We've put a lot of thought (and tears) into our decision, and yes I do mean "we" since my husband had a part in creating this life and therefore should have some input on how he arrives. The climate for VBAC in this country is very hostile and given that so much of obstetrics as we currently know it has very little to do with evidence-based medicine, it would seem to be a miracle that any VBAC's happen at all.

My first strike is the fact that I am morbidly obese - not just overweight, but the kind of fat that I am damn lucky my care provider hasn't been ordering monthly GTT's and doing any number of the horrific fat-phobic things that do still really happen out there. I count myself lucky that my OB doesn't seem to have a fat-phobic bone in his body, and not dealing with that stress is a very important thing to me. Yes, this is the OB who pushed me into a section with Michael for suspected (and confirmed) macrosomia, but not dreading stepping on that scale every month and praying that I don't get a lecture about weight gain has been worth it. My current weight (only up 16lbs from pre-pregnancy - woo-hoo!), Michael's size at birth, and the fact that this babe seems to be following in his brother's footsteps are enough for a care provider to decide at the last minute to pull the rug out from under me. I've read of many similar situations arising for VBAC moms, and it's something I choose not to expose myself and my family to ('cause like it or not, something this big affects them too).

I could have interviewed a dozen midwives to find one who didn't have a fat-bias, but that segues into my second reason - time. As many of you know, my son is Autistic and I do not have a car. Interviewing care providers takes a lot of time and travel to accomplish - something that I again chose not to put myself or my son through. Yes, I've heard fantastic things about two midwifery practices out there, but both require a good 1-2 hours commuting time to get to their offices and the hospital they both deliver at is also a good 45 minute drive or commute. My current OB and hospital is a 15 minute bus or cab ride. Am I selling myself short for not even looking? Perhaps. Given the amount of life that has happened these past seven months, and it's been a lot, the time and stress involved with tracking down a VBAC is energy that I didn't really have to spend in the first place.

Then there is, what seem to be, the answer to everything birth-related - unassisted child birth. I am very attracted to the to idea of UC and even day-dreamed a bit about it. There are two big obstacles in my way. Firstly, as much as I might desire that lovely UC birth, I know I don't have the faith and trust in my body in order to accomplish it. I've come a very long way in my growth as a woman and mother since Michael was conceived, but I'm still not there yet. I have tremendous admiration for women who are able to take that plunge, but I know that I am not one of them. The second obstacle is my husband's unwavering fear of UC. To many, this would be a non-issue and maybe they are right, but for me it is a deal breaker. I do believe my partner should have some input on how our child comes into this world, not veto power mind, but input. I can't say for sure, not having experienced labor, but my gut says that I would want and need his support at that time. I am confident he could give it to me in a hospital setting, but at home his mind would be forever divided between supporting me and worrying about worst-case scenarios. Birthing in an atmosphere of coerced support is not something I want to experience.

All of that said, Michael's birth was no walk in the park for me. I did have quite a bit of trauma and we've already started discussing these issues with my OB. I've done a lot more reading and I'm also better equipped to stand up for myself this time 'round. We will be presenting a cesarean birth plan with some very specific instructions for the birth itself. I'll also be having an actual consult with anesthesia this time so we can have a good discussion about what type of anesthetic I want and the fact that a resident is to come nowhere near my back with a large needle. I am praying that the chiropractic care I've been getting will prevent that horrible nerve pain I had for three months postpartum with Michael, or at least that the chiro will be able to do something to get rid of it so I don't suffer as long.

The surgery itself is scheduled for first case on a Monday so I don't have to deal with the 2nd shift Friday-night nursing staff who felt it was easier to just leave me in bed than to help me start moving. I will have a breastfeeding kit with me - my Isis pump all clean and ready, one of those extra-long boppy pillows (or more likely one that I've made myself), and a nipple shield in a container of sterile water ready to go if we can't get him to latch even after drawing my nipples out with the pump. I got so much conflicting information from the nurses and the three IBCLC's I saw (oh no, your nipples aren't flat - my ass!). When we went to see an LC one week postpartum, that's when I got confirmation of what I pretty much already knew - I had inverted nipples, and I was finally given a nipple shield which allowed me to nurse my son well for the first time ONE WEEK POST-PARTUM! (still a little angry about that)

There's also going to be none of that waiting for someone to help out thing this time. We'll be sending off a time chart for the first week to family, telling them when we need help and asking for them to fill in the blanks for what works for them. I'm not going to care about nursing in front of visitors of having the babe snuggled up against me as much as possible - there will be plenty of time for them to hold the babe and besides, his older brother could definitely use some more lovin'. I actually have friends who have children of their own - knowing that I have the support and love of those very special women in my life is going to make a world of difference - it's not just going to be the three of us alone this time.

I think that last bit is the most important one. We had a ton of visitors while I was in the hospital, but once we got home we were pretty much on our own. I still have to have "the talk" with my mother about that last bit since I have a lot of unresolved anger about it (don't worry - it'll be happening next week). This birth, while it's almost definitely a surgical one, will be much different than my first. Even if I have all the same pain and even heartbreak that I had with Michael's or a completely new set of issues to cope with, the fact that I am taking ownership of the birth makes a huge difference in my feelings about it. Yes, I've read the statistics and I know how much riskier a repeat surgical birth is than a VBAC. I also know that I'll probably be having another pelvic laparoscopy down the road to remove adhesions if last summer's pelvic-lap was any indication. To others, my reasons for a repeat section my seem selfish and uninformed, but they are my own and, to use what some of the faceless masses consider a cop-out, what is best for me and my family.

I sit here, reading over my missive to the internet, feeling the Bean kick me in the pubic symphysis (which *really* hurts, by the way) and day dream about getting to meet him in eight weeks. I'm sure there will be many upsets and twists and turns, but such be life and for one of the first times in this pregnancy I am truly at peace with my decisions.

I think I could have picked a better time...

Processing your c-section and dealing with the prospect of another one is not something one should work on when there is embroidery to do. It looks like I'll be up to at least 3am if not later finishing this.

At least it will be practice for Harry Potter.

Short and sweet...

• Saw a full-page ad for American Apparell in the Philadelphia Weekly featuring their "Tank Thong" which basically was and excuse to picture this woman's ass.


• Read over some pregnancy books at Borders and man am I happy that I know as much as I do about pregnancy and childbirth. One of the books said that VBAC was incredibly risky (which is why they are rightly discouraged) and a repeat elective cesarian was considerably safer for mom and baby. Of course Henci Goer was nowhere to be found


• Have an appointment with my OB on Monday and some very mixed feelings. I am going with him in the begining because I know I won't get any flack from him about my size. In a perfect world, I'd be having a homebirth and maybe even a UC, but there is no money for a homebirth and both options are so far out of my husband's comfort zone as to be in a separate dimension. More thoughts on this in the future.


• Michael is off from school for the next two weeks and I am so looking forward to being able to hang out with him. I haven't been the best of moms recently and I really want to use this vacation as an opportunity to reconnect with him.

I can hear John laughing at the Daily Show downstairs, so that's all for tonight folks!

Childbirth in America

Sarah wrote:

Interesting. I'd also be interested in learning the incidence of malpractice suits brought in Europe vs. America and whether there is a difference between how European and American women view, and seek treatment for, their own bodies.

I don't trust doctors implicitly but I think there are other factors ar work as well.

I agree with you. I think in general most of Europe views childbirth as a natural process and that many interventions that American's view as routine are things that are pulled out of the bag of tricks until they are truly needed. A lot of these interventions really do save lives - both moms and children. If you post something on a public message board decrying some part of a hospital birth you will instantly be bombarded with a slew of posts saying how intervention X saved the baby's or the mother's life. This is very true, but just as true is the fact that intervention X when used at the wrong point in labor can lead to intervention Y and Z which can easily end up as an emergency c-section.

I'd be interested in finding out about how American women measure up to Western European women in seeking and obtaining health care as well. Based on my limited knowledge, I'd like to think that Europeans are better health consumers simply because most of Europe does not seem to have the same hang-ups Americans have about women's bodies, i.e. the hyper-sexualiztion that exists in this country is not as rampant there. I would also think that malpractice isn't nearly the problem there that it is here because they have much stricter laws, which can be a good and a bad thing.

I think I'm going to withhold full judgement until I actually get a chance to see the film. The trailer smacks a bit too much of Michael Moore's Farenheit 911 for my comfort. While I agree that the message of Moore's film was important, it's a bit too close to propaganda for my taste. I'm hoping that the film will actually show the pros and cons of both the American and Europena model without resorting to turning the European model into a utopia of childbirth where the American model is next door to the Inquisition's torture chamber.

As an interesting side note, in the trailer they have several people talk about how much of a money maker childbirth is for American hospitals. There are extenuating circumstances due to out of control malpractice, but yet another Philadelphia area hospital looks like it's going to close it's maternity ward - Chestnut Hill Hospital. This is a very big blow because they provide OB back-up for many midwives who provide homebirths and a birth center in Huntingdon Valley. If you are local and reading this, there will be a rally and march on the hospital to show support for the maternity department tomorrow, Thursday April 5th. The group will be meeting at 11:30am in front of the Borders at 8701 Germantown Avenue in Chestnut Hill and walking up to the hospital. I'm going to try my hardest to be there.

More food for thought

I just saw this over at The Lactivist and it definitely resonates. I'll be back later for some thoughts.