This is the conversation that should be taking place...

during Autism Awareness Month and it pains me that it's not happening yet.

At least something is happeneing

Just found an update - you can check it out here.

Portillo was reassigned out of the classroom at the district offices on Friday, as soon as Schools Superintendent Michael Lannon heard about the incident, Karst said. She said it could be up to two weeks before the district's investigation on the matter is concluded.

What kind of world will my son grow up in?

Especially one where this is allowed to happen. Here's just a little nugget -

Melissa Barton said she is considering legal action after her son's kindergarten teacher led his classmates to vote him out of class.

After each classmate was allowed to say what they didn't like about Barton's 5-year-old son, Alex, his Morningside Elementary teacher said they were going to take a vote, Barton said.

By a 14 to 2 margin, the class voted him out of the class.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS TEACHER THINKING!?!

WHEN IS IT EVER APPROPRIATE TO FUCKING VOTE A KID OUT OF CLASS!?!

WHY HAS THIS WOMAN NOT BEEN FUCKING FIRED - OH WAIT, IT'S BECAUSE THE KID HASN'T FORMALLY BEEN DIAGNOSED - HAVE THE IEP IN PLACE, BUT NO FORMAL DIAGNOSIS SO OF COURSE HE HAS A MEASURE OF CONTROL OVER HIS ACTIONS AND IT MUST BE ON PURPOSE!

Michael already gets looks for some of his behaviors. I already deal with some of the aftermath of the likes of Jenny McCarthy and how when she found out her son had autism and wasn't the indigo child she thought all of his behaviors became reminders of how he was damaged. I have to deal with the "Oh, he doesn't look autistic..." like that isn't a fucking charged observation - why don't you come on out and tell me that I am wrong about him and tell me I'm the piss-poor parent you think I am? CHOP who keeps sending me letters asking me to participate in a research study, one that will only serve to figure out what I did wrong during my pregnancy and to do genetic work-ups on me and Michael that won't do one whit to provide support for families coping with this but will find some sort of prenatal test, 'cause eugenics is always the answer. All of those fucking organizations like Autism Speaks - which surprisingly has no adult autistics on their board - and paints autism to be a death sentence. That the only reason for not killing yourself and your autistic child is that you need to be there for your neurotypical child (this is actually in their video - and no that woman wasn't fucking brave for saying it).

I'm too fucking mad to even write coherently any more. My kid will grow up in a world that thinks his condition, the way his brain is wired, his very being is a disease, that he is frankly less than human because let's be realistic - when you see those images on Autism Every Day, that's what they want you to see. Every time you see a puzzle ribbon, you think of all those poor kids who have no inner life because of their autism. Was I jumping for joy when we got Michael's diagnosis - God no. It was hard to let go of my dream child and accept who he was - something many parents don't have to do until much later if ever at all. We worried about how well he would be able to function and about what we could do to help him be the person he wanted to be. A few months ago, I really started to worry about how accepting the world would be of him - almost every image you see of autism is a negative one and the fact that so much money is being poured into research - money that is not going to help the families who are living with it but in research to "prevent" it. If you think that isn't the case, then you are deluding yourself - genetic research isn't going to get a kid speech therapy or a family respite care. As if the media protrayal of autism isn't bad enough, now I have to be on the lookout for teacher's who want to vote my kid out of class because he's different - and the best part is that because this kid wasn't a different race or in a wheelchair there will be a lot of people who think that this is "OK". And you know what - IT FUCKING ISN'T!

I'm becoming more and more incoherent, so I'm just going to break it off here.

In for a penny...

I just expressed my opinion that there is not a link between autism and vaccines, that a sudden regression is most likely a neurological or metabolic disorder, that autism is genetic, that the epidemic is due to the broadening of diagnostic criteria (and a rather flawed study in California where most of the epidemic numbers come from - forgot to include that tid bit). It's my first time expressing my opinion outside the safe haven which is my favorite sub forum on my message board - here's hoping I can become more articulate on the subject and do my part for neurodiversity (and not get flamed too much for what I believe to be true).

I told you so

It didn't go quite as bad as I thought it would, but it was still pretty bad none the less. We ended up going to John's branch for a visit then onto Starbucks and Wholefoods afterwards. Things started going a little sour when we were trying to get ready - Michael was excited and was stimming by alternately spinning around on the bed and running back and forth down the upstairs hallway. I finally got him to calm down enough to get dressed, but of course then Alex started up - nothing quite like trying to hurry your first child which is a study in frustration to begin with while your infant is screaming because the operations needed to get the first child dressed are not conducive to baby holding or wearing (maybe a back carry but I haven't practiced those yet). There were many small mini meltdowns and quite a few large ones over the rest of the trip. Oh and a note to the general public - would it really kill you to acknowledge the exuberant child saying, "Hi! How are you?". Having to distract him from those people who ignore him (because he will continue to ask it until he gets a response) is very frustrating and I'm not quite ready for my almost four year-old to learn that some people just don't care.

Not only do I have to learn to do these outings with two children, I am really out of practice for handling the meltdowns in public. I'm sure the chip on my shoulder was practically a flashing neon sign proclaiming, "Sure, go ahead and ask me why I can't control my child." I think we are going to have to go back to really using the stroller in these situations. Because I was so dependant on buses for most of my pregnancy, we stopped using it and he was doing great. Now he's taking to ripping his hand out of mine and dashing off in the other direction. I don't think a harness is going to work in this situation, but I could be wrong. There might be some initial crying when he gets in the stroller but he does truly seem happier in it, like he knows it's the best thing for both of us. Lots of things to think about.

Just one more thing before I nip off to see to Mr. Man - I think I deserve way mad props for making chicken enchiladas tonight for dinner from scratch, especially after my afternoon of being "that mom" in the grocery store/library/Starbucks. If I get the pumpkin bread done after the kids are in bed tonight, I think I'll have a June Cleaver trifecta.

Must dash - TTFN!

Excellent Article

Just found this on my message board -

What's Wrong With This Picture, My Autistic Son Doesn't Need to be Fixed

Definitely a great read!

I still aten't dead

Lots and lots and LOTS of things have been happening the past three weeks...

We recently found out that my father-in-law's cancer came back and it is not responding to treatment this time around. His body is a wreck from the original treatment and the doctors are not hopeful. His spirits are good and we've been trying to keep in touch so that he can get as much enjoyment of Michael as he can.

My baby is three - where on earth did the time go? Not only is he three but he had his first day of preschool this morning. We had our IEP meeting two weeks ago and aside from the somewhat crappy deal we got for the summer, we are very happy with the offerings. He's in a reverse-mainstream classroom at an excellent school. The crappiness comes in with the fact that his birthday is so late in the scool year, they don't have any morning slots, and consequently transportation slots, open for him until the start of the new scool year in September. In the fall, he'll be going to school three days a week for three hours a day, getting 45 mins of individual speech and OT per week in addition to the small groups the threrapists both run, and he'll be getting bussed there and back. For the summer, we'll still be getting the therapies, but he'll only be going twice a week from 11:30-2:30 and I have to take him there and pick him up myself. Thankfully there are several Septa lines we can take so I am not facing the 10 block-over and 10 block-up walk in the heat of the day, but it still sucks more than a bit. He did beautifully by the way. I, of course, sobbed the whole three blocks to the bus stop after I had dropped him off. This is the first time he's ever been in someone's care who was not a close friend or family member. Not only did he do well in class, he used the potty for the first time AND we were able to get him to use it at home as well!

I've been exhausted and Michael and I are both getting over the nastiest of head colds. I've been trying desparately to finish several projects that I need for swaps and am woefully late with them. I am planning on moving from the couch as little as possible tomorrow (or more realistically today since it's after 3am) so I can get them done and mailed on Thursday. I have not been able to focus well the past several weeks either. I think it may have something to do with a slightly unexpected work in progress. Here's a pic...


Looks like things should be done by the begining of February.

It was an adventure

I really have to stop falling into full-blown avoidance mode, dealing with this stuff is so much easier when you've had more than four hours of broken sleep.

Right as we were getting ready to leave this morning it started to rain. I had two options - take the subway or bus without the stroller or walk and probably get there soaking wet. We took the subway. Of course, as soon as we got off, it had stopped raining.

The ride up was great. We hit our first mini-meltdown when we had to go up the stairs instead of exploring the station, then we had another when I told him we had to walk this way instead of that. I was getting more than a little tense and terse by the time we had walked the five blocks to Starbucks. I got my coffee, he got some juice, and we both got rid of our sweaters. Walking to the library from Starbucks was a breeze, completely different from the walk there. We got to the library and Michael seemed so collected, a state he doesn't normal achieve until much later. The OT and I decided that he could play on the computer rather than doing our normal story time prep in the room. This was a mistake.

The next forty minutes or so was almost one big long meltdown. No matter how much we tried to prepare him or distract him, he didn't understand why he had to stop playing with the computer and go to story time. We would bring him into the story time room and he would become hysterical. I tried everything in my bag of tricks to work with him and nothing did. Both John and the OT were very surprised and thought something must really be up with Michael. I told the OT and reminded John that this wasn't all that abnormal, it's just one of those things that I have changed our lives around to avoid. If he didn't have OT this morning and we weren't working on this very type of transition, I would have A. just let him play on the computer while everyone was in story time or B. packed him into the stroller and left until he and I had calmed down.

I feel like I failed him and me by not doing one of those things - just telling the OT outright that this wasn't going to work today. It was good practice despite how hard it was. Flight is great but there are going to be some times when I can't use it to save us and I have to have some other strategies in place. I also learned that I can take him on a short train or bus ride by myself without the stroller which will open up a lot of activities for us.

The OT was really impressed with my patience and the fact that I recognized that he truly didn't understand why he had to stop playing with the computer rather than chalking it up to defiance. I think this is one of Michael's biggest delays and one that is very easy to overlook. There are times when I'm sure he understands, but more often than not I try to avoid the situation all together because of the hysterical meltdown that ensues. We had to cancel speech this week for the developmental ped appointment, but I think I'm going to make up some social stories and maybe a schedule board as well. I want to shift the focus to transitions and expectations a bit more - we have to come up with a better method than the current, "'Bye! Go away!" that is too often said through tears for even the most seemingly mundane things. With school starting in the fall (or possibly this summer), I think I need to get some foundations laid so it doesn't become traumatic for both of us.

Just a quick update

We have a full week coming up. We're doing another session of OT at storytime tomorrow (really today as it's after 1am by my clock), and as per usual I am in no way prepared for it. The OT suggested we try walking a bit before we get to the library to see if that would help Michael settle down a bit faster. I'm pretty sure she was meaning that I park a bit further from the library than normal, except that normally Michael rides in the stroller while I walk the two miles from our house to the library. Then we came up with the idea that John would take the stroller with him to work and I would follow with Michael on the subway and we would walk over from there. I've been getting more and more nervous about this.

We had Michael "free" on the subway on Sunday for a trial run and to take pictures for a social story about staying in our seats on the train. I took him on Patco to Jersey by myself last weekend and he was fantastic. I'm not sure if it was because John was with us or because of his mood, but he had real problems staying put and at least two mini-meltdowns when we told him he couldn't change seats for the third and fourth time. Meltdowns I can deal with - my back would not be happy if I had to walk the seven blocks from the subway to the library carrying screaming toddler but I could do it, it's the bolting that sometimes comes with a meltdown that terrifies me. I'm planning on taking him up to a playground a few blocks away from the library, letting him blow off some energy there and then walking over. I'm hoping this will work well.

We had what was his last quarterly review for IE last week and I'm really going to miss these people. It took a little while, but we have a great group pf therapists and he's made so much progress in the past few months it's amazing. We talked with the 3-5 agency and he'll be going to the preschool that we want. It's a reverse-mainstream program that looks like it will provide enough structure but more importantly allow him the opportunity to interract with his NT peers. Thanks to Heather and Patti for your well wishes, I was in more than a bit of a mood last week and never took the time to respond to both of you.

Lastly, we got the call this morning that there's been a cancelation and we have his one-year follow-up with the developmental ped on Wednesday. I have no idea what this appointment will entail and I have a lot of mixed emotions about it. I know in my mind and heart that Michael is autistic, but I would be lying if I didn't sometimes wish someone would take the diagnosis away. He has his days where it's easy to forget that he has any problems and those days where I have that dark, consuming fear that he'll never be able to function in this world. Basically, I just have to not think about the appointment.

Time for bed. A big crafts update is coming soon and also....

Maryland Sheep and Wool!!!!!

Well that was a mouthful

We just got the written report from Michael's IEP evaluation. It looks like we'll have no problem getting into the type of program that we want - not that we've looked at any of them yet.

After the evaluation, I felt great as I usually do. I felt like my concerns were really addresses and I got the validation that I so often need that I'm not blowing things out of proportion or seeing something that isn't there. Getting a written report outlining all of your child's deficits is an entirely different kettle of fish. I agree with *almost* all of it (the not showing distress when a parent leaves is a crock, because the huge meltdown and repeated requests for mommy that happened on Sunday when I went out with S blows that out of the water). While their observation of these deficits are going to get us the help we need, it feels like they completely gloss over what he can do.

I need more time to digest things before I can write coherently about it.

What I stayed up all last night doing...

and considering it's now 2am, I'm risking doing the same again.

I made Michael a weighted-vest. In children who have sensory issues, weighted clothing can help them focus and decrease some of their sensory imput. As always, I thought this would be a quick project. It was, but considering I had to make the pattern from scratch and didn't start that process until almost 11pm, I was up until 3:30 finishing it. The only reason I got to bed at 3:30 is because Michael woke up at 3 and I had to be quick, calling up stairs to him every five minutes or so to say I'd be done soon.

Here's my handiwork:



It's not very high on the list of priorities, but I will be posting a PDF with the pattern for at least a toddler/young child-sized vest. Michael's OT was very impressed with it and kept telling me that I could make a lot of money selling them but you know I really don't want too - this crap is damned expensive and I am not out to make a dime off of another parent who is trying to get their child a piece of needed equipment. Heck, if I could afford it I would have bought the thing - spending four hours sewing medical equipment no matter how well it turned out is not my idea of a fantastic evening.

Ranting aside, he did fantastically well with it Tuesday morning at story time - he just looked like the kid who had trouble sitting down rather than the kid who spends most of the story time hopping and or running around the room. We are ging to have OT at storytime again next week, so we'll see if we can repeat it.

Finding my sea legs

It has been really, really hard to do this and there are days where I do great and days where I fail miserably. One of the things I am focusing the most on with Michael is not loosing my temper since it does no one any good. When Michael does not respond to a request I am using a silly voice to call to him rather than just repeating myself louder - this was a tip I found on a special needs board for communicating with children with auditory processing issues and it's usually part of the GD bag of tricks. With the exception of, "Please, for the love of God will you take a nap!" it's really working. I am still trying to find my way with the naps. There are days when I really resent the fact that I have to lay on the floor next to his crib to get him to sleep (and yes, I've tried co-sleeping and he won't have anything to do with it, he needs his space). I just sit in the glider, knitting and seething at him while he tries to settle down which I know helps the process oh so much. Yesterday I decided I was tired enough to take a nap so we both went to sleep. This afternoon, I was a bit tired and really wanted to sleep which is a big flashing sign saying that I shouldn't. Since I have gotten some time to myself these past few days and in general he's been easier to deal with, I had no problem laying down and reading some manga (Naruto if you are interested - and Viz is Evil by the way -- 3 flippin' months until the next volume!!!!!) while he settled - it only took fifteen minutes. I still have a few other things we want to try out - fully darkening his room and a weighted blanket, so I don't have to lay down every time because there will be days where I won't be able to let go of the resentment and it is unreasonable to expect myself to be able to do it all the time.

On Monday we had the evaluation for his IEP. Michael will be turning three in June so he'll be changing over from Early Intervention to the school district. It actually went great. I almost always feel better after these types of evaluations - they give me the validation that I'm not just making things up or blowing them out of proportion, that my child has real issues. It's hard to remember that sometimes. We've structured our life around making things as easy as possible for him and us. This is a given to an extent whenever there are children in a family, but we've taken it a bit further than most because of Michael's special needs. I have to remember to tell myself that no, Michael isn't like the kids you saw in the clips on Comedy Central's Autism fundraiser, but he still has issues and he is Special Needs with a capital "S" and "N". He had a tantrum during the evaluation. There were some storage cabinets in the room and he spied some trucks in the bottom of one of them. One of the evaluators told me to relax, that it was a good thing that they were seeing this (she told me I had a look of horror on my face). She asked me how we deal with these types of tantrums. That's when I realized exactly how much we have changed our lives. I told her that these tantrums were rare because we just didn't allow them to happen, in that I avoided the circumstances likely to cause a tantrum. If he got like that while we were out, we left. If there was a place where that seemed to happen every time we went there, then we didn't go there any more. It's one of the reasons why he's in the stroller so much, and it's as much for his benefit as it is for mine. You know, I'm not sure exactly where I'm going with this line of thought and since it's starting to take on a tone of justification, I'm just going to end it here.

It will be several weeks before we have the official report, but they are recommending a special classroom. I have to option of putting him in a regular preschool but he would definitely need wrap-around care. Frankly, I'm very happy for this; I was actually afraid that he wouldn't qualify for it. I think a small classroom where he can get as much attention as he needs is best for him right now. I have a ton of phone calls to make this week. I have to schedule his hearing test, I have to find out what's going on with the developmental ped, I have to find some of the schools in the area that offer these services so we can schedule tours and pick one before the IEP meeting, I have to get the loop-hole Medicaid application in, and we have to make a decision about the genetic testing. This and knitting to boot (well, there is always knitting). I'm off to make a few calls.

*****

ETA: Thank you so much for your kind words about the new 'do. I'm hoping to dye it tomorrow night (probably while I'm dying yarn).

Whew...

The lap top is OK and I am once again experiencing the joy that is mobile posting.

Here's a succinct list of what's doing...

The mystery project is progressing - I've known about it for months and have had the yarn for at least the past four weeks yet I am only now getting to work on it. Given the fact that I still have just shy of two weeks, I'm still doing better than I normally am. There is lots of knitting in my future - actually that's a given, just more so than usual.

My hair is gone. John is very depressed. I am ecstatic - I've had long hair for almost two years now and it's so freeing to have it gone. The flip side is that it looks like I'm going to have to pick up some styling product. It looks OK without any, but I know it will look so much better with just a bit of gel to keep things in place. To do it right I really should buy a couple of different products and blow it dry but that is way too much. It does look super cool with my headband though. I'll post pics tomorrow when it's a bit tamer.

We have Michael's evaluation with the school district tomorrow for his IEP and I am very nervous. My gut says he should have no problem qualifying for the inclusive preschool we really want, but that is the best-case scenario. There's no doubt in my mind that he qualifies for services. We'll just have to wait and see.

My kitchen scale arrived on Friday and my yarn came on Saturday. I'm hoping to mix some dyes and get a few skeins of hand-painted done this week. I'm planning on putting things up in the Knitty Keen Etsy Shop by the end of the month.

That's about it for now. A picture-heavy post is coming soon.

It's almost that time....

and I'm not telling you what that time is *wink*

On a completely different note, I think I am finally getting to the place where I am ready to start to seek out other moms of autistic children. I've actually posted several time this week on a special needs forum I belong to and I think having real-life support is going to be a big help.

Other than that, da-da-daaa-da-da-daaaaaa!

I can be seen

I just finished going through and fixing it so you can now view my blog in both Firefox and IE. I though I needed to use the same structure for a fixed three-column layout in XML as I used for HTML but it turns out that you don't. I'll probably mess with it later tonight to get all of the formatting replaced, although I might keep it like this for a little while until I can come up with a banner graphic that I really like.

On a knitting front, I just cast-on for a pair of Snazzy Pants longies that I am making for the MDC Holiday Helpers Knit-a-long. I was almost finished the first of the Super-Mecha socks but when I tried it on, the modified double rib I used was too tight. I really dislike double rib, mine almost always looks like crap. To fix this, I generally plait my purl stitches (wrap the yarn clockwise around your needle rather that counter-clockwise). While the ribbing looked fantastic, just having half of the stitches twisted made it too tight to fit over my huge feet so I'm going with single rib. Michael really fought sleep on Sunday night, so I got a good two inches done on the second Silky Sock sock while I was sitting in there with him, so with some luck, I'll have that done by the end of the week. I'm planning on casting-on for the Baby Surprise Jacket again on Wednesday or Thursday.

This has been a blah week for me. It's too damn cold (-5 windchill) to even think about venturing outside and I feel like complete crap since I am having the mother of all periods right now. I don't know exactly what's going on with my body right now, but it is not pleasant.

We had a bit of a fright over the weekend when we looked into Head Start for Michael. Several of his therapists have spoken about Head Start for him since I can't pay for a private preschool with hand knits. We were very suprised to find out that we had to be at o below poverty level to qualify for it. I have since founf out that they reserve several slots for special needs kids so it shouldn't be a huge problem. I did find out that another child one of his therapists see has been placed in a special needs preschool in an excellent program. She told me that this child is on par with Michael in terms of abilities/delays/temperment and that the preschool is an inclusive program - that there are typically devloping children there as well as spectrum kids, but since it's in a facility that specializes in special needs kids, the spectrum kids still get all of the individual attention that they need. If you managed to make any sense out of the preceeding sentence this is fantastic news for us. I had pretty much eliminated this program as a possibility since I felt Michael was too high functioning to qualify. It is by no means a done deal and there is still a chance that he won't qualify, but if he does I think this is exactly what he needs.

Michael will be waking soon, so I'm off to grab a bite to eat (hummus and cucmbers - yay!). TTFN!

Back to square one

I was having quite a day today - actually it's been quite a week. After bursting into tears at the end of a not so emotionally charged episode of Scrubs (two episodes actually), I called my sister to come over with her cigarettes. I know that if I actually bought a pack it would really be the end of this quit attempt. So the needle countdown has been reset and I have to start my nicotine detox all over again.

I'm not sure what is going on with Michael right now. He's been stimming a lot and he's back to leading/pushing us when he wants something. I was talking about it with his speech therapist the other day and we think he may have had some sort of developmental leap and his functional vocabulary just isn't big enough to cope with it. I admit that I brought this up with both of his therapists for some feedback (read:confirmation) on the autism dx and got it. Denial isn't just a river in Egypt. It's so easy to forget sometimes, and then there are the times it smacks you in the face. We went to storytime last week at John's library. It was the first time that I just sat down and let him do his own thing unless he was trying to take food from someone. Usually I drive myself a little crazy at these types of events, following him around the room, vainly trying to get him to sit quietly on the carpet square like all of the other children. Why oh why can't there be at least one other seemingly hyper kid there instead of all of the stepford children sittly quietly staring at John with rapt attention? That image really is pushing it, but it's hard to see them sitting nicely while my child hops around the room, and I do mean that he litterally hopped around the room following the same path for most of story time. This was actually a vast improvement over past story times where we have had to leave the room several times because he was so overstimulated. Some of his behavior isn't too far outside the norm for a two and half year-old, but the problem is that he looks like he's four so I get the looks from other parents wondering why I am not controlling my child (and I admit that if I didn't know what I knew and Michael was like their child I be right there with them).

There are times when I am so happy about the progress that he's made that it's easy to overlook the little quirks, that the developmental ped was too conservative in her scoring on the ADOS test and she was mistaken. Then I have a day where everytime he's not actively engaged with me he's running in a circle in the middle of the living room or walking his circuit around the room, touching the same things everytime he passes them. It's just been hard this week because it feels like everything is so glaring, but enough whining about my lot in life.

On a knitting front, the first of the Super-Mecha socks are almost finished (I've been a bit obsessive, can you tell?). I did the heel this morning and have about 5 more lace repeats until I can start the cuff ribbing. I'll post pics tomorrow.

'night all...

Much has happened....

It's been so long since I've actually written anything here; I almost don't know what to do.

The Christmas season went pretty well. I cut myself a lot of slack in terms of what I thought I had to do this year as is evidenced by the four pounds of butter, several bag of chocolate chips, two bags of nuts, and the two cups of chopped cranberries that never did make it into cranberry bread. My hand-made gifts went over very well and only two of them were being worked on mere hours before they were to be given. Late night knit-a-thons were kept to a minimum.

I've been trying to do a lot of soul-searching about just what it is that I want from this season. Don't get me wrong, I had some great Christmas moments over the years, but most of my energy has always been poured into doing for others as a means to get over the fact that very few of my own needs were being met. John and I had several in-depth conversations about what we each want from each other and they went very well.

On the Michael front, my son has become a two-year-old. I've dealt with small tantrums and melt-downs before and have made the changes in our lives to keep them to a minimum, but now it's over everything. It's very hard not to laugh when I tell him, "No" and his lips start quivering as his world comes crashing down around him because he can't have/do X. Those are the times when I am up to handling them. Then there are the times when he's having a full-on tantrum and I am at my wits' end and not up to dealing with it. It's like having to find my sea-legs all over again. There were a tough couple of weeks when I was trying to get Christmas sewing done and everything seemed to spark a, "My world is ENDING!!!" type of reaction from him which was not pleasant. I think I've found a happy medium again and we have some rough times but I've been able to find baby-Zen more often.

His schedule is pretty full with therapies - we have special instruction on Mondays, speech on Wednesdays and OT on Thursdays. We also have a re-eval with the developmental ped coming up as well as an evaluation with the school district since he will be ageing out of Early Intervention this summer. I have very mixed feelings about both of these. He's made tremendous progress over the past year. His over-all communication is still about six-months behind even though his vocabulary is a good six to twelve months ahead.

On the behavioral front he's still behind. He doesn't have many of the "classic" signs of autism, but socially he's still closer to an eighteen month-old rather than a two and a half year-old. This makes going out in certain social situations hard at times, even harder because he 38" tall and weighs 37 pounds so he looks like he's closer to four. We've done a few story times with John at the library and they can be very trying. It can be very over-stimulating to him and he deals with it by running around the room. Most of the time I know that this is what my child needs to do and as it doesn't seem very disruptive I can just let it go. There are times when the difference between my child and other children close in age seems huge. It's hard not to read disproving looks when I'm chasing my child around the room and everyone else is sitting quietly on the carpet squares listening to the book being read.

I guess the hardest part is that he doesn't "look" autistic. A few months ago, Comedy Central had a fundraiser for Autism. They had little bits between acts showing autistic children and what the parents and the children go through. When compared to that, it would seem that I am the one overreacting; that there can be no way my child is autistic. Michael is a very out-going, loving child. He doesn't have any stims, his communication is improving, and he's started to exhibit joint-attention very nicely and has even been spontaneously pointing these past few months. That said, there are subtle differences between how he interacts and his peers. We'll just leave it that he's on the spectrum.

I do have some concerns about his upcoming evaluation with the school district. Unlike Early Intervention, this evaluation is taking place at their offices rather than at our home. When I first found this out I was very concerned, there was no way he was going to perform up to speed in a strange place. There is also his stubbornness. His fine motor skills are fantastic and have always been, but because he will not stack blocks on command he consistently tests as having a delay because that is the test they use to gauge fine motor skills. There is a very good chance that he will score lower than what he is actually capable. After some thought, I feel that this may not be a bad thing. I don't think he'll score low enough to merit going to a special program but even if he does that may not be a bad thing. We'll just have to wait and see what happens.

There is more but as this is the third posting for today, I think I'll leave it here and pick up again next week. Thanks for reading.