January Crafts Update

There has been a lot of knitting going on the past few weeks. Much of my Christmas knitting this year was felted stuff, so an "All Felt" crafts update is in the works.

Here's what's been doing...

Snowmen

A few more of the ones that I knocked out for presents. These three went down to my relatives in Maryland.

Bauble Wrap Neck Warmer







This will one day see light as a Knitty Keen pattern, maybe even before spring if I can carve out some time. This is my prototype, made for (and modeled by too) the ever lovely K using Carron Simply Soft and size 10 needles. I cast on for it the afternoon of the inauguration after I found out K was wearing a scarf made of wool to which she is allergic to because she didn't have a scarf. I've played around with this lace/textured pattern before and I love the way it turned out with the larger needles.

Michael's Charlie Brown Socks






I dyed this yarn ages ago and really didn't like how it looked. Michael has been going through a big yellow phase so I decided to knock out a pair of socks for him. I knit them from the toe up with a gusset and rounded heel with a garter-rib pattern. I'm going to do up a quick and dirty pattern for them over on Knitty Keen, so be sure to take a look this weekend.

Slouchy Mitts


Finally - something for me. John got me some Kureyon Sock yarn last year for Christmas and knitting socks in this was a study in frustration. Doing entrelac on size 3 needles was much easier. They are a bit over sized so the cuffs will fit over my shirt-sleeves to keep the cold out and I can wear them over my cheap gloves for an extra layer of warmth.

Birthday Surprise Jacket


We still have yet to actually celebrate Alex's birthday, so in an effort to get things moving, I'm knocking out a BSJ for him. The yarn is Dashing Dachs sport-weight in the Skippy colorway knit on size 7's. The yarn was a gift from Heather way back last spring when I was going through a tough time. I'm about 2/3's done, so with a bit of luck I'll be able to get pics of the belated birthday boy in his new sweater.

I've got to go and tend to Alex now and hopefully we'll all get some sleep. 'night all!

Still Aten't Ded

Short and sweet, bulleted list...

• Alex turned one yesterday - where did the last year go?


• We are starting the long and perilous process of enrolling Michael in Kindergarten. Keeping my fingers crossed that I will have no need of the appeals process for his IEP. I also have a ton of vaccinations to catch up on for him - yet another thing I am not looking forward to.


• Back to Alex - he's taking steps! I am so not ready for this.


• I only have six more months of four left - it can't come soon enough. At least I've been able to restructure my parenting to what is developmentally appropriate for Michael. It's a hell of a lot of work, especially when your reserves are almost nil, but things are getting a bit better.


• As to emotional reserves - they are still being taxed to the breaking point, but I have a day or so out of every week where the kids sleep and I can be close to the parent I know I can be to them. This too shall pass.


• Lots of knitting going on. I'm making the commitment to get Knitty Keen off the ground and I have John's support. Like everything else, it's going to be hard as hell - but the payoff will be so worth it.


• This is going to be a year of changes - we are working on some major decluttering in both our house and our lives. I've been feeling like I'm stuck in a rut for ages and I'm going to do something about it. Look for radical hair cut and new glasses in the not too distant future. I am endevouring to become "that mom" but hey, there are worse things to be. Frankly, anything is better than the way I feel I look now and I need to do some stuff so I can get comfortable in my skin again.

Kids need feeding. We aren't doing the real celebration for Alex 'til tomorrow, so I'll be sure to get pics up. TTFN!

It's about time

Terry Pratchett knighted for services to literature

This is not what I signed up for

There are few parenting tasks that are as hard as administering medicine to a child who doesn't want to take it. Michael's RAD has reared its ugly head once more which means I have to use the big guns - the nebulizer and albuterol. Not only does the albuterol make him wired beyond belief, but he has once again developed a huge aversion to the nebulizer again. There's nothing quite like pinning a 40lb/45" preschooler who is half a step away from complete hysterics while keeping a mask on his face for the ten minutes or so it takes for the albuterol to completely vaporize. Thankfully, his respirations aren't that bad but he's having retractions so skipping it isn't an option and I have no desire to make a late night visit to CHOP if his respirations get high which they have a history of doing.

Because misery loves company, Alex is steps (ha) away from walking so I have the joy of a milestone driven sleep regression on top of the white noise of teething. I hate the triteness of the phrase, but This too shall pass has been my mantra. It won't always be this intense and in the grand scheme of things this period is just a drop in the bucket. Unfortunately, that provides little comfort while I'm in the thick of it and ready to sell my soul for sleep and time alone.

We had a fairly quiet Christmas with lots of pictures which I'll get around to posting at some point. John got me Lego Batman for my Nintendo DS and has been working hard to make sure I get some time to actually play it the past few days. Michael loves his WALL-E and EVE action figures and his Matchbox car case is seeing a lot of use. Alex has a new to him walker/ride-on car which isn't seeing use as a walker yet but he's been having a lot of fun playing with the gadgets on it.

Peace has descended on my livingroom for the moment, so I'll take my leave now.

I have a month's worth of knitting,...

Christmas is next week, I have a half a pack of cigarettes, two children and am chronically sleep deprived...

All that's missing is a cool soundtrack and "unnecessary force"

In all honesty, several presents will be given on Little Christmas because barring time travel (and how I wish I could do it), it's just not possible to do.

In other news, Alex is topping the scales at 20lbs and is just shy of 28" - not too shabby considering three months ago we were looking at a possible feeding tube.

Kids are asleep - knitting beckons.

Prop 8 The Musical

Enjoy!

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

Crafts Update

Even with all the tumult, there is still knitting being done.

Finished Items

Michael's Sherwood Sweater

Adapted from Knitty's Sherwood Sweater pattern - rewritten to accommodate a larger gauge and to make it a seamless raglan.
US Size 10 Needles
Cascade Eco Wool

This has actually been done for quite some time, I just haven't had the camera and him wearing it in the same room at the same time - I still don't so you'll have to settle for the perennial laying on the carpet shot. This is my first sweater (well 4th if you count baby ones, but I don't), and I've learned a lot from it. I have to work on my k2tog decreases - individual ones don't matter that much, but a whole bunch of them in a line left a little ladder gap that I'm not too crazy about. I won't even show you the underarms - one of them is done on the wrong side and while a mistake of this magnitude would usually eat me alive until I ripped it out and did it correctly, but I'm sure no one will be examining them that closely so I'm not sweating it. All in all, it pointed out some places where I need to improve my technique and I got a sweater he'll be able to wear for at least two years out of it.

Mittens


Original Pattern
US Size 4 and 8 Needles
Pattons Classic Merino

Michael's needed these for the longest time and while I had these intricate colorwork ones planned, time was of the essence since the cheap gloves we had for him just weren't cutting it anymore. I guessed my gauge and just tried them on him several times while knitting to get the size right.

Snowman


Original Pattern
US Size 1.5 and 3 Needles
KnitPicks Bare Fingering Merino
Davidson Co. Domy Heather

I've been working on several things to put up in the Knitty Keen Etsy shop and this was knocked out over the past few days and I have to say I'm absolutely delighted with the results.

On Going

Swallowtail Shawl


This was started as part of a knit-along over the summer and has sat untouched for months. I only have 3 more rows of the Lily of the Valley chart and then the peaked edging. With luck, I'll have it done for my mom for Christmas

Even Elf Chicks Need to Keep Warm Scarf


It's at least doubled in size sine I last took a picture of it. There is an ever so slight chance I may have it done in time to wear before Spring.

Yes, I do take pictures of them

Although not nearly as often as I should. Here are some shots from last week when we braved the snow flurries to walk to Starbucks so I could get my coffee ('cause there is very little that will prevent us from making a coffee run).

And this last one is courtesy of Michael, who insisted on taking my picture...

Just a little note for Kylie

Who decided that she would pass a little judgement on my 8 week belly pic. My knee-jerk reaction was to delete the comment, but I think it deserves to be read.

"why are you so big and the shape of your belly is messed up man ? i would HATE to have that."

Well, Kylie, you are certainly entitled to your opinion of the shape of my belly, but I could really care less that you would "HATE" to have it. While there are times that I am not in love with my body, it has given birth to two babies, struggled with smoking, and is currently nourishing my second child (which I will take a stab and say that would be another thing you would "HATE" to have considering what pregnancy and breastfeeding have done to the shape of my breasts) and that's nothing to sneeze at.

If you are willing to open your mind (which I am again taking a stab here and guessing not since you left neither email address nor homepage with your comment), you can take a look at The Shape of a Mother to see what real women look like, women who are not the perfect shape and decided to lift up their shirts and show the world just what their bellies look like.

So Kylie, get a fucking clue, mkay?

It's raining

And it's coming down hard enough that I can hear it banging against the front windows. My mind and spirit have been through the wringer the past few days (didn't include bidy because that's pretty much always going through the wringer) and I'm just exhausted. I think we are all going to get a bit wet and brave the rain because I need to get away from the house and this computer.

Note to self - get slicker from my mom so Michael can stay dry on these trips.

Turning a Corner

Well, I hope I am.

I'm slowly settling into a routine with Alex and his feeding - as long as I am super vigilant about taking my fenugreek and blessed thistle, there is a definite flow and it's one that I can live with having dealt with the alternatives a few times over the past several weeks.

I am still not the parent I want to be to Michael, but I try my hardest to be every day. Although I feel like I'm spending way too much time apologizing to him, he's accepting of me as I am and I still get lots of, "I like you, Mom" which in Michael-speak means a hell of a lot more than a simple, "I love you."

I did remember it at the last minute - but my 9th wedding anniversary was last week. I still can't believe I've been with John for 11 years and married for the last nine of them. Most of all I can't believe how incredibly blessed I am to be able to share my life with this man and raise children with him. Life almost never relents, but we've been making the effort to maintain our relationship - granted dates are always with at least one kid in tow, but it's something and we'll have real couple-time again soon.

Last but not least, my mind is starting to overflow with ideas once more and I actually am able to put aside time to do something about it. Currently, I'm busy knitting prototypes and items to sell, but in the near future I'm going to really concentrate of self-publishing some of my patterns and get my act together and actually finish my perennial Knitty submission. Keep your eyes open 'cause some changes are on their way.

Kids are both asleep and John is off from work so I can take myself and my knitting up to Starbucks for some quality time with my I-pod. TTFN!

Dusting off the needles

I've been knitting pretty steadily over the past two weeks, trying to fine-tune some of my toy patterns and to build up a stock for the Knitty Keen Etsy shop which has been sitting dormant for the past year and almost a half. More work needs to be done, but I hope to have some stock up by the end of next week. If any knitters out there are interested in doing some testing for me - drop me a comment and I'll get back to you. The earliest I'll have stuff ready for testing will probably be just before Thanksgiving since it takes a bit of time to format a pattern.

Feeding time

The CHOP feeding evaluation went pretty well. The doctor commended me for being on top of things and it looks like we've ruled out both malabsorbtion and a mechanical/physiological reason for his feeding problems. I was able to coax him to take a few sips from a medicine cup so we are trying to do that twice a day which is very slow going. I've also been fortifying his purees with some powdered formula which hasn't phased him and makes me a bit happier that at least some of his calories have more nutritional oomph to them. The feeding team feels that his GERD is really playing a large role in his nursing behavior, so there is probably an endoscopy in our future which scares me a bit because of my last experience with a sedated test.

Not much else going on - lots of things to try, but only so much time and energy to do them. I feel horrible for even writing that, but I have my own limits and Alex definitely has his so I'm not going to drive us 'round the twist trying to everything at once - been there, done that and the only thing that results is stressed-out mom and kid so I'm not going to borrow that guilt this time.

Mad Dash

I got a call when we got home from the park and they have an an opening at the CHOP Feeding Clinic tomorrow morning. I have to fill out an eight page questionnaire to bring with me. Just trying to tell myself that this is not all in my head, I'm not making a mountain out of a molehill. Hopefully, I'll get some advice and maybe a few answers tomorrow morning.

VOTE!

The husband and I have done our parts, now we just have to sit back and watch (and pray).

Bite me, sports fans

Seriously folks, I'm really happy that the Phillies won. I didn't even watch the game for fear of jinxing because the one game I went to they lost spectacularly and the one pennant game I watched on TV they lost as well, so I thought it safest to hedge my bets and do my part for the home team.

Seeing as how I did my part - the drunken yelling out in front of my house at fucking 1.30 in the morning was something I could have done without - especially since the episodes of drunken yelling or the damned firecrackers always occurred the moment I got my sick baby to sleep causing him to wake right back up.

I've always had a soft spot in my heart for baseball fans, but you are fast approaching the disdain and sometimes outright disgust I reserve for football fans (so says the woman, again awakened by all night partying to the dulcet tones of "E, A, G, L, E, S, EAGLES!"). I like baseball, I enjoy keeping track of who is ahead in the various divisions and I look forward to going to a game next year and then taking my kids in another year or so. So baseball fans - let's not be assholes, OK?

Trying to lower the pedestel

Anyone who knows me can tell you that I hold my self to some crazy-high standards - standards that can only be achieved by an amount of effort that few people are even remotely capable of achieving. My most recent foray into the land of, "It's my fault because I'm not doing enough," has led me to the fact that once again I have to take a good look at the difference between what I can and am doing to what I think I *should* be doing.

No matter how many times people might say it, I have a huge blind spot when it comes to realizing that I do I hell of a lot for my kids. I put together a post about Alex's most recent issues and put it on a private board where I'm a member. My main reason for posting it there and not on Mothering is because I couldn't deal with the likely barrage of well meaning tips for increasing my supply. I dread pumping and trying to find the time to do it. If I wasn't suffering from chronic sleep deprivation and didn't have Michael, yeah, maybe I could make it work - but the couple of days I did manage to do it were awful, I felt way too stretched and considering Alex nurses at least ten times a day there just isn't the time. My emotional state is already raw due to the fact that I am not getting the down time that I need to be functional - evidenced by the fact that I've had a cold for 6 weeks. Hell, a few weeks ago I was ready to wean Alex cold turkey - something that would most likely result in several days worth of screaming, because I was JUST THAT DONE and there wasn't anything more that I could give. Obviously, I worked past that - but the dream of not breastfeeding any more is still there at times.

So here I am. I'm trying to do the best I can with too little sleep and an emotional bank that is so overdrawn it's ridiculous and I have the gall to feel guilty for not doing more. Alex is getting half of his calories from Gerber Puffs, arrowroot cookies (the evil ones with HFCS), cheerios, and jarred baby food and I am learning to be OK with this - it's not optimal, but it's what he'll do and he's at least gaining weight. Michael is finally agreeing to eat more than just fruit and goldfish crackers so his meals have been pepperoni and monterey jack cheese, fish sticks and french fries or *gulp* chicken nuggets - and to be honest I'm thrilled that he's willingly eating protein. Michael goes to preschool three mornings a week and I try to take the two of them out to at least the park once a week. I've managed to cook enough the past few weeks that we haven't had to order takeout because I was so wiped, there have actually been leftovers to fall back on. I've helped Michael make birthday cards for my mom and his uncle, helped him make a leaf garland out of construction paper and yarn, and taught him how to play tic-tac-toe. I finished three knitting projects and have started making frogs to sell in my Etsy shop. Most days, I've been able to do at least a quick straighten in the living room and kitchen.

So no, I'm not doing all that I want to do and I'm nowhere near doing all that I think I should be doing, but seeing it written down and considering the sheer size and force of my situational depression, it's not all that shabby.

Same old song

I had a glorious week above the situational depression haze - I cooked, I did crafts with Michael, my cold was almost totally gone, and I didn't need to complain about life because everything was tolerable. Then I missed a dose of fenugreek two days in a row, started doing before and after weights again and literally watched my supply go down with each nursing session while his irritability increased, finally realized that the spots I was seeing on the disposables every second or third change were uric acid crystals, and the icing on the cake - I'm sick again.

I called an LC at Pennsy and probably sounded like a raving lunatic who weighs her child every 5 second and spends way too much time on Google - in my defense I do neither of these things, well I try to keep the Google-ing to a minimum lest I go completely insane. At first the LC was pushing for me to just call my ped and get an appointment (probably also thought I was a bit crazy for thinking that I was going to be sent to the ER for mild dehydration, but with my luck I know better having been there so many flipping times in the past nine months and the fact that I was home alone with two kids). We were talking a bit and I mentioned how he refuses to take anything in a bottle even when obviously hungry and she asked about a sippy cup - yeah have four and at least six different bottle nipples. I also told her about the GERD and the laryngomalacia. Her tone changed slightly from, "this is a hypochondriac mom who spends too much time on the internet" to, "maybe there is something here after all" and she gave me a name and number to call over at CHOP to have him seen in their feeding clinic.

I just want this to end - I got a week's breathing space. Yeah, probably about a third of Alex's calories were coming from solids but that's better than the half it is now. Because of all the supply issues, he won't tolerate staying with John so I had to turn around and head right back home as soon as I got off the subway in town yesterday. Consequently, I was not able to go to Jersey yesterday and get the fabric for Michael's Halloween costume and had to ask my mom to pick up some stuff for me to make him a pumpkin and further realize my limits and take her up on the offer to make the damned thing.

The dehydration thing is really bugging me, especially since his output is on the low side to begin with and in hindsight the uric acid crystals have probably been showing up a lot more often than I realized so I will most likely be spending a chunk of time at the ped's tomorrow where I have no idea what they'll do since he can't/won't take anything from a bottle, sippy or syringe. GAAAHHHH!!!! Breastfeeding was supposed to be easier dammit - I'd take washing ten bottles a day with a flipping q-tip over the heartache and self-doubt this debacle has caused. Yes, there is no guarantee that he would not have had the same if not more problems had he been exclusively formula fed and yes there are aspects of breastfeeding that I love and would not trade for the world, but the fact that every time I build up some self-confidence in my ability to nourish my child something comes along and rips it to shred is getting really old.

There is a cup of coffee downstairs waiting for me. Sorry to disabuse you of the idea that no news was good news. Knock on wood, at least it's not a complete train wreck and damn it those words better not come back to bite me on the ass.

---

ETA: Just so you know, my fears of being sent to the ER stemmed from the fact that I was waiting for another diaper with uric acid crystals and it didn't appear until 4pm - just in time for my ped's office to close and for them to pawn me off on the ER.

Long overdue sibling pics

Oh sweet alchemy

I somehow managed to cube and brown 3lbs of chuck and saute a couple of onions so I could get some stew going for tonight's dinner to the sweet music that is overtired children. I got everything into the oven at 5.30 and pulled it out for a peak at 7. It definitely could have passed muster at that point, but seeing as we hadn't put anyone to bed yet, I decided to let it cook a bit longer. When Alex was finally down, I pulled it out just after 8. Stew does not even begin to describe what I pulled out of the oven - that magical brown sauce where the onions have completely merged with the broth and beer (alas only lager this time, I didn't have any stout on hand), bite-sized chunks of meat that just dissolve in your mouth, and the heady aroma of thyme.

Seriously, something magical happened in my oven tonight. I love a dish that gets better the longer you cook it. It's also so versatile - as long as I have meat, onions and broth I'm good to go. I've made it with non-alcoholic amber beer, lager, and my favorite - red table wine. I've had it turn out equally well with chuck, top or bottom round (because sometimes you have to use what's on sale). It's one of those dishes that I can sit back and tell myself, "man, I did a great job on this," and I have to thank my inability to plan ahead enough to use the crock pot to make stew for it. Yes, more often than not we are eating around 9pm, but it's so worth it.

Now for cherry pie and vanilla ice cream.