The ultimate in avoidance mode...

I haven't been to bed yet.

Michael ahs been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. I've been preparing myself intellectually for this for weeks, ever since I got the call saying he had an appointment for the developmental ped. I agree with the diagnosis although the casual observer would tell me there is nothing wrong with my child. I've been presenting the brave front - mom who is reading all the info she can so she can be the best advocate for her child and reassure her husband that everything will be all right. John and I had our first fight about it last night, because I've been blocking him out in my effort to keep things together. This scares the shit out of me. I am scared about the amount of work that I have to do to get Michael the help he needs and the amount that I have to do to help him. I am scared about my ability to balance it all - to take care of him and me and still have something left for John. No matter how prepared I thought I was and how much I know that this doesn't change how miraculous, wonderful and loving my child is, it's still a devastating thing. I'm just tired - tired of having to be the calm and collected one, the one to "take charge". For the first time, I'm actually allowing myself to cry over this. I had started this witty almost glib, "this is just another unexpected part of parenthood to take in stride" kind of post, but this is how I really feel. I think I'm going to wake John up so he can hold me.