This should be pretty

Well, my latest project in Noro Silk Garden Sock definitely is, but the week isn't shaping up to be.

Alone time today was a bust. I was way too wound up to even think of leaving - all I'd be doing is waiting for the cell to ring telling me I needed to come home. Anyways, Alex woke up not 10 minutes after I finished writing the last post and then another twenty minutes after that. Not much of a nap, but he doesn't want his arms swaddled anymore and wants to nurse until he's sleepy, but suck on the pacifier and pet/squeeze by breast or arm until he falls asleep so we've got this learning curve to look forward to all week. He's also a little stopped up from solids and his top teeth are slowly coming in 'cause you know misery loves company. As if this wasn't enough to be going with, he has a repeat weight check on Wednesday. I know he's gained weight - it's a question of how much. Anything over a pound and I'll be ecstatic.

Not to be outdone by his brother - Michael has been nursing a cough for the past week which has finally crossed the line from little cough to full-on unproductive-if this goes on for more than a few days we'll be in prednisone hell-kind of cough. He's now getting some guaifenesin in addition to his ventolin and I am praying that it will be enough. I'm kicking myself for not being as on top of it as I could this past week - I only gave the ventolin for a day or two when it first started and it almost disappeared for a few days so he didn't get anything then. If anything, I need to talk to his ped so I can get some sort of regimen going for when the cough starts.

Well, I have dinner waiting for me downstairs and then I'm off to bed. Hopefully both of them will sleep better tonight (frankly, anything would be better than last night), but I'm not holding my breath. If it's really bad, I think I may ask John to take a sick day to help me because I'm not sure if I can keep my shit together after several nights of crappy sleep. Who am I kidding - it's been close to a year since I've had a decent night's sleep, but the past few days have been a bit more heinous than most.

I've been doing a little more thinking on the whole, "You'll miss it when they're older" sentiment, and I think the thing that pisses me off the most about it, is that I want to be able to savor those moments now and my reserves are so damned low that I am missing them. More to come - when I can write coherently which may mean that you are in for quite a wait.

TTFN.

Not quite what I had in mind

I am counting down the days until Thursday when Michael will resume going to school three days a week and everyone can get a break from each other. I was getting precious little down-time before and now I'm not getting any. I decided to try and sneak out after Alex was asleep the other night and I got a call not twenty minutes after I left the house that he was awake and screaming. I've been snapping at the husband and then there's that whole insecure misreading everything he does as some sort of expression of anger or frustration towards me or my actions thing that is just oh so productive. Seriously - everyone needs a break from each other (well almost - Alex apparently can't get enough of me). I'm hoping that when we have the structure of school three mornings a week it will settle down a little bit.

I know this won't last forever, but it's really kicking my ass right now. Everyone needs so much from me and the strain is really starting to show because there is no respite for me. I think one of the hardest things to deal with is that I now have to bring Alex with me to my therapy appointments - which means I am paying my therapist $25 bucks to coo at my child while I juggle him so he doesn't flip out all while the things I really need to talk about with her are forgotten until after I leave. Frankly, I am strongly considering postponing them until October when John will be off every other Thursday and I can wing not bringing Alex with me to a daytime appointment.

I'd never agree with something as trite (and not a little smug in my opinion) as that treacle sentiment of "You'll miss these days when they are older," but what I will admit is that there are little bits of both of their growing up that I am currently missing because of how hard everything is right now. The, "You'll miss these days," sentiment is very dismissive to just how much energy is required to parent a child - it's boils childhood down to toothless smiles and belly laughs with no acknowledgement of frequent night wakings, colic or whining. Mothers are sold a bill of goods and all of us drink that kool aid at least for a little while. Where's my Hallmark card for changing my clothes for the third time in a day because the baby has spit up on them, or the one for preschooler having a screaming melt-down because the seat he wants to sit in on the subway is occupied?

I'm going to stop now because there is something that I want to really write about the bill of goods we are sold as mothers and it's very important to me - just right now my brain is mush and I really should be in bed, so I'm actually going to take that advice and go to sleep.

'Night all, more incoherent ranting to come...

Defense Mechanism

We are (I pray) on the downside of one of those 24 hour growth spurts - the one's where he'll only sleep out of arms for a maximum of 40 minutes and cosleeping won't cut it (not that I can actually sleep while doing that either). My scalp hurts - I am sleep deprived enough that my scalp hurts. At least he's been very happy - when he's not nursing he just looks up at me and coos and giggles, honest to goodness giggles. Once I get some food in me, I get a surge of the warm fuzzy hormones and forget why I can't see straight - not enough to want another baby, but enough that I'm not pleading with him in my mind to just please for the love of God just sleep.

Oh and if you are friends or the parent of someone who is nursing and going through the special sleep deprivation hell that is a growth spurt, please do not suggest that the husband take a stint with the baby - pretty much negates the whole purpose of a growth spurt in a breastfed baby. Seeing as Alex is pushing 10 weeks and we've been through this several times now, my mom nursed my youngest sister, *and* (this is the clincher) I've told her that growth spurt time is not the time to have John give him a bottle of pumped milk so I can sleep, my mother still persists in suggesting it. Oh, you're trying to quit smoking - here's a pack of cigarettes to get you through your nicotine withdrawal. Please just nod your head and say, "I'm so sorry - I'll bring you over some (insert baked good)." Just a wee bit pissed and I think I'm going to have to remind her to actually listen to what I say and I don't need her to fix it, I just need her to give me a verbal or better yet make the damn time to drive the 15 minutes to give me a real-life hug.

Stridor from the bedroom beckons - if he isn't awake then I really should be asleep. I let him pass out after only one side so I'm sure he'll wake as soon as I fall asleep again, but I am a weak woman.

'night all...

Breastfeeding Rant

I just posted this in response to a thread about why more women don't seek out help with breastfeeding, especially when it's offered.

For myself, I was afraid that I was going to be told to do things that I just wasn't capable of doing. So many spout off all of the advice without any consideration for where the mom is at the time. In my own case, I was given a laundry list of things to do - including a list of foods to remove from my diet (like garlic - ever try to avoid garlic when you are living on takeout and convenience foods). I was exhausted, depressed, felt like a failure for not being able to do this "natural" thing correctly, and the only physical support I had was my husband. What I needed was someone to talk to me, not just spout all the info that I had already read on KellyMom. And then there's the sentiment that because I was unable to do these things, I was somehow looking for an "excuse" to quit or I was being lazy - which is just so helpful to read when you are going through this. Nothing makes me want to seek out help more than the thought that the person/people I'm seeking help from are talking about me like that on a public message board/blog/or to their friends.

A little bit of empathy can go a long way, as does the reminder that women who are having problems stumble across boards like this all the time and are turned off to even thinking about asking for help. It's no wonder that the ped who nods his/her head, says breastfeeding is hard and goes on to suggest a course of action that will probably result in the end of a nursing relationship is turned to more than the so called advocate that essentially says - of course it's hard but you just have to suck it up because otherwise you are just looking for an excuse to quit and then I can complain about you on a public message board.

Until we can let go of the thought that most women are looking for an excuse to quit because it's too hard, we end up alienating the very people we need so desperately to support. Besides, I think most of us can agree that being a new mom *is* hard, and there is no face lost in doing so - frankly it would go a long ways in stopping the ever present mommy wars if we stopped being catty and just started to support one another.

There's nothing quite like it

Picture if you will - your two year-old happilly singing, "Sleep, sleep, sleep" for about thirty minutes at one in the morning when you both know that is the last thing that's going to happen, at least not for another couple of hours.