What's been doing...

The ever popular bulleted list

• Much gnashing of teeth


• working my way through Adobe Photoshop Elements blindly and finding I'm pretty happy with the results


• Surviving the flu and beating would-be pneumonia into submission (still not out of the woods yet on that last one)


• cutting canines (boy the younger, that is)


• angst


• yet another in a long line of sub-par birthdays


• Wondering if when Gordon Jeweler's says to let their diamonds do the talking, do they mean that diamonds should represent blood and the subjugation of entire populations because you know that's what every woman wants


• Got a bit more work done on Knitty Keen (see post below) and the Pookey pattern will be going live this coming weekend (only a week late, which isn't too shabby for me at this point

Go to bed, Jenn!

Still Aten't Ded

Short and sweet, bulleted list...

• Alex turned one yesterday - where did the last year go?


• We are starting the long and perilous process of enrolling Michael in Kindergarten. Keeping my fingers crossed that I will have no need of the appeals process for his IEP. I also have a ton of vaccinations to catch up on for him - yet another thing I am not looking forward to.


• Back to Alex - he's taking steps! I am so not ready for this.


• I only have six more months of four left - it can't come soon enough. At least I've been able to restructure my parenting to what is developmentally appropriate for Michael. It's a hell of a lot of work, especially when your reserves are almost nil, but things are getting a bit better.


• As to emotional reserves - they are still being taxed to the breaking point, but I have a day or so out of every week where the kids sleep and I can be close to the parent I know I can be to them. This too shall pass.


• Lots of knitting going on. I'm making the commitment to get Knitty Keen off the ground and I have John's support. Like everything else, it's going to be hard as hell - but the payoff will be so worth it.


• This is going to be a year of changes - we are working on some major decluttering in both our house and our lives. I've been feeling like I'm stuck in a rut for ages and I'm going to do something about it. Look for radical hair cut and new glasses in the not too distant future. I am endevouring to become "that mom" but hey, there are worse things to be. Frankly, anything is better than the way I feel I look now and I need to do some stuff so I can get comfortable in my skin again.

Kids need feeding. We aren't doing the real celebration for Alex 'til tomorrow, so I'll be sure to get pics up. TTFN!

This is not what I signed up for

There are few parenting tasks that are as hard as administering medicine to a child who doesn't want to take it. Michael's RAD has reared its ugly head once more which means I have to use the big guns - the nebulizer and albuterol. Not only does the albuterol make him wired beyond belief, but he has once again developed a huge aversion to the nebulizer again. There's nothing quite like pinning a 40lb/45" preschooler who is half a step away from complete hysterics while keeping a mask on his face for the ten minutes or so it takes for the albuterol to completely vaporize. Thankfully, his respirations aren't that bad but he's having retractions so skipping it isn't an option and I have no desire to make a late night visit to CHOP if his respirations get high which they have a history of doing.

Because misery loves company, Alex is steps (ha) away from walking so I have the joy of a milestone driven sleep regression on top of the white noise of teething. I hate the triteness of the phrase, but This too shall pass has been my mantra. It won't always be this intense and in the grand scheme of things this period is just a drop in the bucket. Unfortunately, that provides little comfort while I'm in the thick of it and ready to sell my soul for sleep and time alone.

We had a fairly quiet Christmas with lots of pictures which I'll get around to posting at some point. John got me Lego Batman for my Nintendo DS and has been working hard to make sure I get some time to actually play it the past few days. Michael loves his WALL-E and EVE action figures and his Matchbox car case is seeing a lot of use. Alex has a new to him walker/ride-on car which isn't seeing use as a walker yet but he's been having a lot of fun playing with the gadgets on it.

Peace has descended on my livingroom for the moment, so I'll take my leave now.

It's raining

And it's coming down hard enough that I can hear it banging against the front windows. My mind and spirit have been through the wringer the past few days (didn't include bidy because that's pretty much always going through the wringer) and I'm just exhausted. I think we are all going to get a bit wet and brave the rain because I need to get away from the house and this computer.

Note to self - get slicker from my mom so Michael can stay dry on these trips.

Turning a Corner

Well, I hope I am.

I'm slowly settling into a routine with Alex and his feeding - as long as I am super vigilant about taking my fenugreek and blessed thistle, there is a definite flow and it's one that I can live with having dealt with the alternatives a few times over the past several weeks.

I am still not the parent I want to be to Michael, but I try my hardest to be every day. Although I feel like I'm spending way too much time apologizing to him, he's accepting of me as I am and I still get lots of, "I like you, Mom" which in Michael-speak means a hell of a lot more than a simple, "I love you."

I did remember it at the last minute - but my 9th wedding anniversary was last week. I still can't believe I've been with John for 11 years and married for the last nine of them. Most of all I can't believe how incredibly blessed I am to be able to share my life with this man and raise children with him. Life almost never relents, but we've been making the effort to maintain our relationship - granted dates are always with at least one kid in tow, but it's something and we'll have real couple-time again soon.

Last but not least, my mind is starting to overflow with ideas once more and I actually am able to put aside time to do something about it. Currently, I'm busy knitting prototypes and items to sell, but in the near future I'm going to really concentrate of self-publishing some of my patterns and get my act together and actually finish my perennial Knitty submission. Keep your eyes open 'cause some changes are on their way.

Kids are both asleep and John is off from work so I can take myself and my knitting up to Starbucks for some quality time with my I-pod. TTFN!

Trying to lower the pedestel

Anyone who knows me can tell you that I hold my self to some crazy-high standards - standards that can only be achieved by an amount of effort that few people are even remotely capable of achieving. My most recent foray into the land of, "It's my fault because I'm not doing enough," has led me to the fact that once again I have to take a good look at the difference between what I can and am doing to what I think I *should* be doing.

No matter how many times people might say it, I have a huge blind spot when it comes to realizing that I do I hell of a lot for my kids. I put together a post about Alex's most recent issues and put it on a private board where I'm a member. My main reason for posting it there and not on Mothering is because I couldn't deal with the likely barrage of well meaning tips for increasing my supply. I dread pumping and trying to find the time to do it. If I wasn't suffering from chronic sleep deprivation and didn't have Michael, yeah, maybe I could make it work - but the couple of days I did manage to do it were awful, I felt way too stretched and considering Alex nurses at least ten times a day there just isn't the time. My emotional state is already raw due to the fact that I am not getting the down time that I need to be functional - evidenced by the fact that I've had a cold for 6 weeks. Hell, a few weeks ago I was ready to wean Alex cold turkey - something that would most likely result in several days worth of screaming, because I was JUST THAT DONE and there wasn't anything more that I could give. Obviously, I worked past that - but the dream of not breastfeeding any more is still there at times.

So here I am. I'm trying to do the best I can with too little sleep and an emotional bank that is so overdrawn it's ridiculous and I have the gall to feel guilty for not doing more. Alex is getting half of his calories from Gerber Puffs, arrowroot cookies (the evil ones with HFCS), cheerios, and jarred baby food and I am learning to be OK with this - it's not optimal, but it's what he'll do and he's at least gaining weight. Michael is finally agreeing to eat more than just fruit and goldfish crackers so his meals have been pepperoni and monterey jack cheese, fish sticks and french fries or *gulp* chicken nuggets - and to be honest I'm thrilled that he's willingly eating protein. Michael goes to preschool three mornings a week and I try to take the two of them out to at least the park once a week. I've managed to cook enough the past few weeks that we haven't had to order takeout because I was so wiped, there have actually been leftovers to fall back on. I've helped Michael make birthday cards for my mom and his uncle, helped him make a leaf garland out of construction paper and yarn, and taught him how to play tic-tac-toe. I finished three knitting projects and have started making frogs to sell in my Etsy shop. Most days, I've been able to do at least a quick straighten in the living room and kitchen.

So no, I'm not doing all that I want to do and I'm nowhere near doing all that I think I should be doing, but seeing it written down and considering the sheer size and force of my situational depression, it's not all that shabby.

Same old song

I had a glorious week above the situational depression haze - I cooked, I did crafts with Michael, my cold was almost totally gone, and I didn't need to complain about life because everything was tolerable. Then I missed a dose of fenugreek two days in a row, started doing before and after weights again and literally watched my supply go down with each nursing session while his irritability increased, finally realized that the spots I was seeing on the disposables every second or third change were uric acid crystals, and the icing on the cake - I'm sick again.

I called an LC at Pennsy and probably sounded like a raving lunatic who weighs her child every 5 second and spends way too much time on Google - in my defense I do neither of these things, well I try to keep the Google-ing to a minimum lest I go completely insane. At first the LC was pushing for me to just call my ped and get an appointment (probably also thought I was a bit crazy for thinking that I was going to be sent to the ER for mild dehydration, but with my luck I know better having been there so many flipping times in the past nine months and the fact that I was home alone with two kids). We were talking a bit and I mentioned how he refuses to take anything in a bottle even when obviously hungry and she asked about a sippy cup - yeah have four and at least six different bottle nipples. I also told her about the GERD and the laryngomalacia. Her tone changed slightly from, "this is a hypochondriac mom who spends too much time on the internet" to, "maybe there is something here after all" and she gave me a name and number to call over at CHOP to have him seen in their feeding clinic.

I just want this to end - I got a week's breathing space. Yeah, probably about a third of Alex's calories were coming from solids but that's better than the half it is now. Because of all the supply issues, he won't tolerate staying with John so I had to turn around and head right back home as soon as I got off the subway in town yesterday. Consequently, I was not able to go to Jersey yesterday and get the fabric for Michael's Halloween costume and had to ask my mom to pick up some stuff for me to make him a pumpkin and further realize my limits and take her up on the offer to make the damned thing.

The dehydration thing is really bugging me, especially since his output is on the low side to begin with and in hindsight the uric acid crystals have probably been showing up a lot more often than I realized so I will most likely be spending a chunk of time at the ped's tomorrow where I have no idea what they'll do since he can't/won't take anything from a bottle, sippy or syringe. GAAAHHHH!!!! Breastfeeding was supposed to be easier dammit - I'd take washing ten bottles a day with a flipping q-tip over the heartache and self-doubt this debacle has caused. Yes, there is no guarantee that he would not have had the same if not more problems had he been exclusively formula fed and yes there are aspects of breastfeeding that I love and would not trade for the world, but the fact that every time I build up some self-confidence in my ability to nourish my child something comes along and rips it to shred is getting really old.

There is a cup of coffee downstairs waiting for me. Sorry to disabuse you of the idea that no news was good news. Knock on wood, at least it's not a complete train wreck and damn it those words better not come back to bite me on the ass.

---

ETA: Just so you know, my fears of being sent to the ER stemmed from the fact that I was waiting for another diaper with uric acid crystals and it didn't appear until 4pm - just in time for my ped's office to close and for them to pawn me off on the ER.

How 'bout some cheese with that whine

Went to my family doc for the URI that just keeps giving and now am the proud owner of some nasty broad-spectrum antibiotics which will hopefully prevent my URI from turning into the pneumonia it so wants to be and will not add thrush to my nursing woes. Seriously - I've been sick for going on three weeks now, and because of circumstances beyond my control I'll probably be sick for another two at least 'cause stay-at-home mom + four year-old + baby who won't take bottle + low supply = mom who still gets sleep in 90 minute intervals at night who can't sleep during the day because she's the primary care-taker.

John came home from work early so I can get some more rest today and also brought some of the good probiotics from Whole Foods for me to start downing so I can keep the foul spectre of thrush away. Not that Alex would put up with it, but it's be so nice to just pack to boys off to day care for a few days while I just slept and slept so I could knock this bug out rather than pumping myself full of ibuprofen to achieve some level of functionality and prolonging what should be a week long illness into a 5 week hacking cough ordeal.

I don't even believe things any more

more animals

One word - Croup

If you can't say something nice...

My life is starting to look like it's being written by a writer who was fired from a soap opera for being too melodramatic. Rather than bore you with the details, ejoy the monkey hitman.

Now we wait

I just sent in Alex's pretty abysmal nursing intake to his GI and I'm hoping that I'll get a call in the not too distant future from her so we can see what needs to be done next. I'm going to start the blessed thistle/fenugreek regime tomorrow and then do some more weights on Friday to see if there is any change - I may need to keep the scale for a bit longer than I anticipated.

My sister M came over and took Michael over to my mom's house so I can get some down time and Michael can be the center of attention for a bit. I feel so bad for him right now - he's not getting nearly enough attention from us and is in full-on sibling rivalry mode when John has the baby. I think I'm going to be falling back on family for a while so they can give him the attention he needs while I work on rebuilding my reserves.

Alex is asleep, so I'm going to relax for a bit and probably lay down myself since I know it's the Motrin keeping me going right now and I'll have to pay back for that soon enough.

Uncle!

Now I'm sick - not just feeling like crap sick, but full on malaise, light-headed, dizzy and fever sick.

I really didn't mean to kill those puppies in a former life.

Paranoid Much?

First off, Michael went through the night without a coughing fit so we headed that one off. Prednisone is DONE! The ped we saw on Friday has started him on a daily dose of Singulair as a prophylaxis so we can avoid things getting to the point that we need steroids so I have my fingers crossed.

Now that boy the elder is taken care of, boy the younger has decided that he wants in on the action. On part of the ped's advice, we increased his solids (always given after nursing, no way am I cutting out high calorie breast milk for low calorie carbs when my kid's gaining less than two ounces a week, can't believe she even suggested it). There were some changes in his bowel habits (sorry for the TMI) and after a few days it began to worry me a bit since it was such a drastic change and it was looking like nothing was being digested, and these were purees. I called the GI on Monday and we have an appoint on Friday afternoon. I've been trying to convince myself that I'm just being super paranoid, but the fact that the doc called me back herself does freak me out a little bit. We have an appointment at the end of the week and not a, "Bring him to the ER now" situation, so that's a bit of a relief. We have cut way back on solids and things are settling down again so that's good. Obsessive person that I am I flit from "I'm blowing things way out of proportion" to "I have been systematically starving my kid and or hurting him with my reluctance to go on an elimination diet" which is such a fun, happy place to visit. I told John that I plan to have all of my talismans in place on Friday - my cell, i-Pod, and DS all fully charged and at least three knitting projects. Frankly, I really doubt something is that serious that they'll keep us, but I'm hedging my bets all the same.

Of course the poor guy is working on all four front top teeth at once - the left-most tooth broke through yesterday and the other three are only days away. Sunday night Michael climbed into bed with me and turned on the radio so I got to listen to Bob Schaefer interview John McCain which meant that I did not fall asleep until well after it was over. Then last night Alex was up with the teething at least four times. I got *most* of a dose of ibuprofen in him tonight, so we'll see how that works.

I'm going to take myself, my atrocious run-on sentences, and dodgy punctuation downstairs to spend a little time with the husband who is also sleep deprived and not a little worried about his wife and kids. 'night all!

I Heart TSR

And no, I am not referring to the publishers of the original Dungeons & Dragons to geek minded.

My knitting group sent me a bunch of lovely notes and a Starbucks gift card. Thank you so much guys - it seriously made my week.

Demanding my village

I have decided that I can't do this alone anymore and I need some damn help. I left a message on my mother's answering machine saying that I need help from her and my sisters and to please call me. It's time for my family - who live 15 minutes away!!! to pony up and start putting their money where their mouth is. I'm stretched way too thin and there is only so much that I, S and my husband can do to help - hell I even have H offering to help out with Michael and I've only met her in real life twice and she lives almost an hour away (not to mention having 3 kids of her own).

I can no longer pretend that I can do this on my own - I am missing my kids growing up and I'm not doing it to them any more. Every few months there is always talk of taking me shopping or taking Michael for a few hours - well I'm going to start scheduling it and I'm not going to back down even if I get the whole "grumble, grumble, grumble" attitude. In an emergency, my family is assembled in a heartbeat - but soul crushing situational depression apparently doesn't count.

NOT ANY MORE.

Just burned

I am just burned the fuck out. That is all.

This should be pretty

Well, my latest project in Noro Silk Garden Sock definitely is, but the week isn't shaping up to be.

Alone time today was a bust. I was way too wound up to even think of leaving - all I'd be doing is waiting for the cell to ring telling me I needed to come home. Anyways, Alex woke up not 10 minutes after I finished writing the last post and then another twenty minutes after that. Not much of a nap, but he doesn't want his arms swaddled anymore and wants to nurse until he's sleepy, but suck on the pacifier and pet/squeeze by breast or arm until he falls asleep so we've got this learning curve to look forward to all week. He's also a little stopped up from solids and his top teeth are slowly coming in 'cause you know misery loves company. As if this wasn't enough to be going with, he has a repeat weight check on Wednesday. I know he's gained weight - it's a question of how much. Anything over a pound and I'll be ecstatic.

Not to be outdone by his brother - Michael has been nursing a cough for the past week which has finally crossed the line from little cough to full-on unproductive-if this goes on for more than a few days we'll be in prednisone hell-kind of cough. He's now getting some guaifenesin in addition to his ventolin and I am praying that it will be enough. I'm kicking myself for not being as on top of it as I could this past week - I only gave the ventolin for a day or two when it first started and it almost disappeared for a few days so he didn't get anything then. If anything, I need to talk to his ped so I can get some sort of regimen going for when the cough starts.

Well, I have dinner waiting for me downstairs and then I'm off to bed. Hopefully both of them will sleep better tonight (frankly, anything would be better than last night), but I'm not holding my breath. If it's really bad, I think I may ask John to take a sick day to help me because I'm not sure if I can keep my shit together after several nights of crappy sleep. Who am I kidding - it's been close to a year since I've had a decent night's sleep, but the past few days have been a bit more heinous than most.

I've been doing a little more thinking on the whole, "You'll miss it when they're older" sentiment, and I think the thing that pisses me off the most about it, is that I want to be able to savor those moments now and my reserves are so damned low that I am missing them. More to come - when I can write coherently which may mean that you are in for quite a wait.

TTFN.

This message will self destruct...

in 3, 2, 1

I'm off - boy the younger is asleep, boy the elder is at my mother's and the husband is shooting things on the laptop downstairs. One stop to grab my knitting and the nintendo then I'm off to Starbucks.

Please God, let him sleep

Deep Breath

I have a very hard time purchasing things for myself that will make my life significantly better when I have not only the skills but the materials at hand to make the item. Of course, the missing piece in that equation is TIME - and that my friends is something that is significantly lacking (just look down at right-hand side bar, note that I have not updated any knitting projects or my de-cluttering goals since January).

A thought began brewing in my mind as we went to the zoo this morning. It further percolated on the trip home and I came *this* close to completing it. Then I made the phone call to John, complete with lots of pregnant pauses and rushed comments like, "I can sell something" or "No, I have the fabric and I can make one myself - it's too expensive." Finally, I just told him I wasn't going to get it and hung up. He I'm sure just shook his head and went on things while the two halves of my psyche battled over making a purchase.

Well, I said the hell with it and bought the damned thing. Wanna know what it is?



A Beco Butterfly carrier in Espresso. It was on sale for a great price and being able to pop Alex on my back with relative ease will be a God-send. I have a Sutemi Gear carrier that I used with Michael, but it was difficult at best to shimmy Michael around to my back and he had several pounds and a good inch or so on Alex. I put Alex on my back in the Kozy by myself yesterday and while I can get him up there OK, for him to be really secure I'm going to need someone with me to help which really defeats the whole purpose. Lastly, yes I have some lovely bone colored linen and a beautiful piece of hand painted fabric from Helen to use to make my own Mei Tei, but folks I have trouble making the time to eat so pulling out all the stuff necessary for a sewing project ain't happening anytime soon.

My fervent hope is that he'll fall asleep in it with relative ease and I can pretend that I'm just wearing a 16lb back pack while I knit or play my Nintendo DS for an hour at Starbucks. It'll be here by the middle of the week - I'll give an update then. Oh and if you want to get in on getting one at the sale price (most are around 30% off) better do so soon because I think the sale prices end on Sunday.

Antisocial

Today was Michael's field trip to the zoo. We've been rather stretched in the sleep department for the past few days so that was count one against the trip. Count two is that I am going through a very antisocial phase where I dread being put in a position to have to talk to other people. I have a tendency towards this to begin with - sort of a love/hate relationship. I get desperately lonely sometimes, but it's extremely hard for me to make new friends. I'm very good at hiding it. When I've confessed it to others they are always surprised, but when I fill in the gaps then you can see it. One of the biggest things is eye contact - it's almost physically painful for me to make eye contact with people at times, even with all the training I've given myself to overcome it. So going to the zoo with parents of NT kids on a day where I don't want any interaction with the outside world is pretty much the definition of torture for me.

Since I did go out into the world today, I'm going to tune out tonight rather than go to my knitting circle because I desperately need some down time with the ipod cranked and some knitting to keep my hands occupied. I'm about 1/3 done the body on Michael's sweater for the Ravelympics and I might actually get it done. The mystery project is going - I'll probably put an hour or so into it tonight as well. Life calls, so I must dash. TTFN!