Monday, October 27, 2008

Same old song

I had a glorious week above the situational depression haze - I cooked, I did crafts with Michael, my cold was almost totally gone, and I didn't need to complain about life because everything was tolerable. Then I missed a dose of fenugreek two days in a row, started doing before and after weights again and literally watched my supply go down with each nursing session while his irritability increased, finally realized that the spots I was seeing on the disposables every second or third change were uric acid crystals, and the icing on the cake - I'm sick again.

I called an LC at Pennsy and probably sounded like a raving lunatic who weighs her child every 5 second and spends way too much time on Google - in my defense I do neither of these things, well I try to keep the Google-ing to a minimum lest I go completely insane. At first the LC was pushing for me to just call my ped and get an appointment (probably also thought I was a bit crazy for thinking that I was going to be sent to the ER for mild dehydration, but with my luck I know better having been there so many flipping times in the past nine months and the fact that I was home alone with two kids). We were talking a bit and I mentioned how he refuses to take anything in a bottle even when obviously hungry and she asked about a sippy cup - yeah have four and at least six different bottle nipples. I also told her about the GERD and the laryngomalacia. Her tone changed slightly from, "this is a hypochondriac mom who spends too much time on the internet" to, "maybe there is something here after all" and she gave me a name and number to call over at CHOP to have him seen in their feeding clinic.

I just want this to end - I got a week's breathing space. Yeah, probably about a third of Alex's calories were coming from solids but that's better than the half it is now. Because of all the supply issues, he won't tolerate staying with John so I had to turn around and head right back home as soon as I got off the subway in town yesterday. Consequently, I was not able to go to Jersey yesterday and get the fabric for Michael's Halloween costume and had to ask my mom to pick up some stuff for me to make him a pumpkin and further realize my limits and take her up on the offer to make the damned thing.

The dehydration thing is really bugging me, especially since his output is on the low side to begin with and in hindsight the uric acid crystals have probably been showing up a lot more often than I realized so I will most likely be spending a chunk of time at the ped's tomorrow where I have no idea what they'll do since he can't/won't take anything from a bottle, sippy or syringe. GAAAHHHH!!!! Breastfeeding was supposed to be easier dammit - I'd take washing ten bottles a day with a flipping q-tip over the heartache and self-doubt this debacle has caused. Yes, there is no guarantee that he would not have had the same if not more problems had he been exclusively formula fed and yes there are aspects of breastfeeding that I love and would not trade for the world, but the fact that every time I build up some self-confidence in my ability to nourish my child something comes along and rips it to shred is getting really old.

There is a cup of coffee downstairs waiting for me. Sorry to disabuse you of the idea that no news was good news. Knock on wood, at least it's not a complete train wreck and damn it those words better not come back to bite me on the ass.

ETA: Just so you know, my fears of being sent to the ER stemmed from the fact that I was waiting for another diaper with uric acid crystals and it didn't appear until 4pm - just in time for my ped's office to close and for them to pawn me off on the ER.