Pics abound!

Easter moments

If only it was always this easy to get him to sleep.

Rainbows and Sakura

I've been actually bringing the camera along with me most of the time recently. Granted, it's because I've been taking lots of pictures of knitting techniques for the Knitty Keen blog, but the side benefit is pictures of the kids a little more often.

Here's the double rainbow we were lucky enough to see on Friday evening.

The clouds kept rolling overhead while we were at the park and we were waiting for the downpour to start any moment. It did start to rain while we were walking home then the clouds rolled and the sun came out treating us to this.

Philadelphia Cherry Blossom Festival - Sakura Sunday



I awoke to Michael bounding into our room this morning telling me how excited he was to be going to the Cherry Blossom Festival. He also shared his excitement with everyone (and I do mean everyone) we bumped into on our way to Fairmount Park. I went with Alex tucked into a sling last year on a windy gray day but this year we had picture perfect weather. Bright sun with enough of a breeze so it wasn't too hot. Michael enjoyed the drummers and his fruit salad while I found a neat bento box for him and these super cool and super cute little zipper pulls.



John poked fun at me for quite some time afterwards because he said I actually squealed when I opened the package and was bouncing when I was asking him for more money to get another one. The stand where we bought them from has a shop in town which I will definitely be visiting in the future (for the curious - Omoi).

Alex slept through the entire thing, but we got him up to eat before the bus ride home and managed to get Michael to stay still long enough for a quick family picture.

More pics than you can shake a stick at

if you are so inclined to shake sticks at pictures...

He really did fall asleep this way




and Michael, as always, getting in on the action




just shy of 14 months




pure ham




where there's one...




the other...




isn't far behind

Backed into a corner

That's a huge understatement of how I feel right now. Breastfeeding Alex has always been rocky - slow gaining in the beginning, the whole FTT/low supply song and dance and lets not forget the bad latch - of which I have what I hope is not a permanent reminder (callous - ouch). There have been some nice parts, don't get me wrong - but for the most part it has been a constant struggle. Even now I'm downing the fenugreek and blessed thistle again to boost my supply so he'll hopefully give me some rest, but after a year of toe-curling pain and not a few tears I am really ready to be done.

My mind is at war with itself. There is a big part of me that continues for the reason that I never made it this far with Michael - our nursing relationship was dysfunctional from the start and ended when he got his first cold and went on a strike. There there's the whole WHO recommendation of nursing for two years minimum which has been beaten into my head from the message boards I frequent. There's the fact that Alex is only 13 months and still such a baby and really does need it, not only for nutrition but the emotional attachment it brings.

Those are all reasons to continue, there's also the fact that constant sleep deprivation is taking a heavy toll on me. I never fully heal - the past year has been one long series of colds that never quite go away. My body is always achy because it never gets the restorative sleep it needs to function. I am starting to have some serious concerns about the toll this is taking on my health - both physical and mental. My brain is mush and I am not nearly the parent I know I can be to my kids because I'm always just shy of complete exhaustion. Hell, so much of my energy is focused on just getting through the day that I rarely get to just sit back and enjoy my kids.

I've made the decision to night-wean and then onto complete weaning if that doesn't work. We are starting the arduous process of registering Michael with the school district for kindergarten and in my current mental state there is no way I can be the advocate I need to be for him. I can't skip meetings or doing things because I'm too exhausted or just can't muster the mental energy necessary to interact with people beyond the baristas at my local Starbucks. While Alex has some pretty big needs right now too, I can't sit this process out - it's too damned important. I want to do what's best for myself and my kids and unfortunately that might mean not breastfeeding any more.

I'm probably trying to convince myself here more than the faceless internet. I've made it to 13 months nursing and that's no small feat considering the social climate and the obstacles I've faced. I'd like to continue to do so, but the time is fast approaching where I'm going to have to make that hard decision between doing what's best for me and my family verses the standard that others have set.

Still Aten't Ded

Short and sweet, bulleted list...

• Alex turned one yesterday - where did the last year go?


• We are starting the long and perilous process of enrolling Michael in Kindergarten. Keeping my fingers crossed that I will have no need of the appeals process for his IEP. I also have a ton of vaccinations to catch up on for him - yet another thing I am not looking forward to.


• Back to Alex - he's taking steps! I am so not ready for this.


• I only have six more months of four left - it can't come soon enough. At least I've been able to restructure my parenting to what is developmentally appropriate for Michael. It's a hell of a lot of work, especially when your reserves are almost nil, but things are getting a bit better.


• As to emotional reserves - they are still being taxed to the breaking point, but I have a day or so out of every week where the kids sleep and I can be close to the parent I know I can be to them. This too shall pass.


• Lots of knitting going on. I'm making the commitment to get Knitty Keen off the ground and I have John's support. Like everything else, it's going to be hard as hell - but the payoff will be so worth it.


• This is going to be a year of changes - we are working on some major decluttering in both our house and our lives. I've been feeling like I'm stuck in a rut for ages and I'm going to do something about it. Look for radical hair cut and new glasses in the not too distant future. I am endevouring to become "that mom" but hey, there are worse things to be. Frankly, anything is better than the way I feel I look now and I need to do some stuff so I can get comfortable in my skin again.

Kids need feeding. We aren't doing the real celebration for Alex 'til tomorrow, so I'll be sure to get pics up. TTFN!

This is not what I signed up for

There are few parenting tasks that are as hard as administering medicine to a child who doesn't want to take it. Michael's RAD has reared its ugly head once more which means I have to use the big guns - the nebulizer and albuterol. Not only does the albuterol make him wired beyond belief, but he has once again developed a huge aversion to the nebulizer again. There's nothing quite like pinning a 40lb/45" preschooler who is half a step away from complete hysterics while keeping a mask on his face for the ten minutes or so it takes for the albuterol to completely vaporize. Thankfully, his respirations aren't that bad but he's having retractions so skipping it isn't an option and I have no desire to make a late night visit to CHOP if his respirations get high which they have a history of doing.

Because misery loves company, Alex is steps (ha) away from walking so I have the joy of a milestone driven sleep regression on top of the white noise of teething. I hate the triteness of the phrase, but This too shall pass has been my mantra. It won't always be this intense and in the grand scheme of things this period is just a drop in the bucket. Unfortunately, that provides little comfort while I'm in the thick of it and ready to sell my soul for sleep and time alone.

We had a fairly quiet Christmas with lots of pictures which I'll get around to posting at some point. John got me Lego Batman for my Nintendo DS and has been working hard to make sure I get some time to actually play it the past few days. Michael loves his WALL-E and EVE action figures and his Matchbox car case is seeing a lot of use. Alex has a new to him walker/ride-on car which isn't seeing use as a walker yet but he's been having a lot of fun playing with the gadgets on it.

Peace has descended on my livingroom for the moment, so I'll take my leave now.

Turning a Corner

Well, I hope I am.

I'm slowly settling into a routine with Alex and his feeding - as long as I am super vigilant about taking my fenugreek and blessed thistle, there is a definite flow and it's one that I can live with having dealt with the alternatives a few times over the past several weeks.

I am still not the parent I want to be to Michael, but I try my hardest to be every day. Although I feel like I'm spending way too much time apologizing to him, he's accepting of me as I am and I still get lots of, "I like you, Mom" which in Michael-speak means a hell of a lot more than a simple, "I love you."

I did remember it at the last minute - but my 9th wedding anniversary was last week. I still can't believe I've been with John for 11 years and married for the last nine of them. Most of all I can't believe how incredibly blessed I am to be able to share my life with this man and raise children with him. Life almost never relents, but we've been making the effort to maintain our relationship - granted dates are always with at least one kid in tow, but it's something and we'll have real couple-time again soon.

Last but not least, my mind is starting to overflow with ideas once more and I actually am able to put aside time to do something about it. Currently, I'm busy knitting prototypes and items to sell, but in the near future I'm going to really concentrate of self-publishing some of my patterns and get my act together and actually finish my perennial Knitty submission. Keep your eyes open 'cause some changes are on their way.

Kids are both asleep and John is off from work so I can take myself and my knitting up to Starbucks for some quality time with my I-pod. TTFN!

This is not new

Call me strange, but watching the 6ABC Action News every evening is a daily ritual for me - somehow just having it on makes even the most horrendous day a little more bearable and best of all it does not involve nicotine, paying usury (but oh so worth it) amounts of money to Starbucks for coffee or leaving the house to get the first two things when I'm in an antisocial mood. As you can picture, this is something I do every day. No matter what, the turning off of children's programming for the news comes as a huge shock to Michael complete with screaming, teary tantrums. Frankly, the turning off of children's programming for anything is met with huge protest (yeah, we watch way too much TV - but seeing as how I'm clinging to sanity by the skin of my teeth I'm cutting myself some slack), but the turning on of the news which happens every day bugs me to no end. I start giving him warnings after 4:00 and ask him what time it is and what does mommy do every day at this time to no avail.

Right now he's sulking in his room because I wouldn't give the TV a "rest". Call me mean, but watching the news in relative peace is almost worth it.

Paranoid Much?

First off, Michael went through the night without a coughing fit so we headed that one off. Prednisone is DONE! The ped we saw on Friday has started him on a daily dose of Singulair as a prophylaxis so we can avoid things getting to the point that we need steroids so I have my fingers crossed.

Now that boy the elder is taken care of, boy the younger has decided that he wants in on the action. On part of the ped's advice, we increased his solids (always given after nursing, no way am I cutting out high calorie breast milk for low calorie carbs when my kid's gaining less than two ounces a week, can't believe she even suggested it). There were some changes in his bowel habits (sorry for the TMI) and after a few days it began to worry me a bit since it was such a drastic change and it was looking like nothing was being digested, and these were purees. I called the GI on Monday and we have an appoint on Friday afternoon. I've been trying to convince myself that I'm just being super paranoid, but the fact that the doc called me back herself does freak me out a little bit. We have an appointment at the end of the week and not a, "Bring him to the ER now" situation, so that's a bit of a relief. We have cut way back on solids and things are settling down again so that's good. Obsessive person that I am I flit from "I'm blowing things way out of proportion" to "I have been systematically starving my kid and or hurting him with my reluctance to go on an elimination diet" which is such a fun, happy place to visit. I told John that I plan to have all of my talismans in place on Friday - my cell, i-Pod, and DS all fully charged and at least three knitting projects. Frankly, I really doubt something is that serious that they'll keep us, but I'm hedging my bets all the same.

Of course the poor guy is working on all four front top teeth at once - the left-most tooth broke through yesterday and the other three are only days away. Sunday night Michael climbed into bed with me and turned on the radio so I got to listen to Bob Schaefer interview John McCain which meant that I did not fall asleep until well after it was over. Then last night Alex was up with the teething at least four times. I got *most* of a dose of ibuprofen in him tonight, so we'll see how that works.

I'm going to take myself, my atrocious run-on sentences, and dodgy punctuation downstairs to spend a little time with the husband who is also sleep deprived and not a little worried about his wife and kids. 'night all!

Prednisone Redux

It's almost painful seeing how much this medication changes Michael. Yeah, it turns him up to "11" and since he's close to 10 as it is, that in itself is difficult, but he's been a wreck emotionally all weekend. I'm going to see how tonight goes, but I may need to keep him home from school tomorrow and *gulp* do an actual breathing treatment again since I'm not happy with how his cough is progressing between the prednisone and the ventolin. Frankly, just writing that means I should call the ped and have him checked out. Fingers crossed that he sleeps through and the coughing fits stop.

Man oh man do I ever hate this drug. At least with the grape flavoring he'll take it without to much of a fight, but I'm sure on some level he knows it's responsible for making him feel all out of sorts and that is contributing to his reluctance to take any of the medicines.

Gotta love it

"Answer to me, Mommy (last name)! Answer to me, Mommy (last name)!"

Said by Michael this morning because I wasn't giving him and answer as to why we cannot bring sticks home fast enough.

The grass is always greener

Michael: I want Bear toothpaste (The fluorescent blue Oral B Little Bear training toothpaste that I happily tossed the other day).

Jenn: But you have your new strawberry toothpaste (the Tom's of Maine John picked up to replace it)

John: He told me last night that he didn't like it

Jenn: He used it fine for me the other night.

Michael: I want Daddy Toothpaste!

John: Can we?

Jenn: As long as you think he's not going to like it.

Michael: I like Daddy Toothpaste! Daddy Toothpaste is delicious! (said with a head-splitting grin and so much belief it's practically oozing)

John puts a dab of our toothpaste on his brush. Michael puts brush in mouth and makes to most fantastic sour face ever. He removes brush from mouth...

Michael: All Done!

Jenn: But you didn't finish brushing your teeth.

Michael: I want Strawberry Toothpaste. (holds brush out happily for the previously scorned toothpaste).

Wait, haven't I been here before?

Just got back from the boys' well baby/child visits and Alex has only gained 19oz in the past two months nicely halving his weight percentile. I've been crying about it off and on for the past hour because I feel like it's my fault - the ped however is taking a much calmer approach and is having us come back in for a weight check in a month since he's still on the charts (~6%) and his height for weight cluster still looks good. Frankly, FTT isn't even on the table since he's hitting all his milestones and other than the crankiness from teething (I'm expecting the top two any day now), he really is doing wonderfully. He was really spitty over the weekend and the ped is inclined to think he had a bit of a stomach bug which caused him to drop a bit. For my own piece of mind I'm going to start the fenugreek/blessed thistle/3-4 litres of water/nurse-nurse-nurse regimen to see if his disposition improves. I've been suspecting some supply issues for the past week, but for the most part he has seemed happy once let-down happens and will pop off and smile and talk to me when he's done (oh and bite too - can really live without that one). Maybe if I can give myself a little boost with the herbs, things will even out again.

Michael, aside from the new mild asthma dx, is healthy as a horse and practically skin and bones despite the amount of food he eats - 43.5" and 44lbs. Have to take him out for the full audiology test in the next month that I've been avoiding for going on two years now - not looking forward to it.

Oh and Michael was complaining the whole way to the doctor's office about how he wanted a shot like Alex was getting and even after Alex got his he was still complaining that he didn't get one.

Eerie quiet is pervading the house so I need to go see what is up - Alex is sleeping for once but I'm sure Michael is getting into some mischief or another and besides that there is my vanilla creme frapachino w/peppermint syrup waiting for me - it's like drinking a mint nonpareil - I strongly suggest you go to your local Starbucks and have them make one for you, it is truly heavenly.

Vacation snapshots

Well, no pictures yet...

I am so happy we are here! I have not been to this part of the jersey shore in at least 12 years and it's been 4 years since I've seen the Atlantic Ocean. Words fail me as to just how much it means to me - the ocean is a mere two blocks away!

I took the kids down to the boardwalk for a quick visit so John could decompress. Michael talked me into heading out onto the beach. He was so happy. The shoes came off and he kept dropping down to touch the sand and to make "sand angels" The actual ocean really spooked him and he wants nothing to do with the water, he kept whimpering about it until we left to head back to the hotel.

Right now, the kids are asleep and we have a bucket of fresh caramel popcorn that is still warm. Lift doesn't get much better than this.

Oh wait - it does, Michael pooped in the toilet for the first time today!

I wasn't ready for him to learn this yet

Alex had his three month growth spurt last week which meant I was not the best of moms to either of my kids - getting your sleep in 1 hour intervals will do that to a person. Between the hell that is extreme sleep deprivation and my poor little man's reflux issues, Michael has definitely been getting the short end of the stick and I've been trying desperately to break the cycle of any attention equals good attention. We went out on Saturday morning to one of the local playgrounds so we could get out of the house and Michael could play for a bit. They were having a flea market to benefit the playground, so I took a quick look around to see if maybe I could find a truck or car for Michael. I lucked out with finding this past year's Hess truck - a monster truck with a pair of motorcycles in the back. It makes some awful noises which was my objection to it back at Christmas time, but they let me have it for $5 so I got it for him (and thankfully the batteries have just died).

We then went into the playground. It was an older group of kids - my guess is that most of them had parents involved in the flea market. One of the boys zoomed in on Michael and his flashy toy. They seemed to be playing well enough together (i.e. the older kid wasn't being too manipulative), so I sat down with Alex to have some of my coffee. Then I saw this kid rev the monster truck up and launch it at Michael's face. I ran to get Michael (only a small split in his lip, thank God), and this kid told me a few times how it was an accident. I was comforting Michael and trying to explain to this child that even if it was an accident, you don't throw things at someone else's face and the Michael was hurt. He protested once more about it being an accident and then ran off. The part that bothers me the most is that even with my agreement that it was an accident and the fact that I could have been screaming bloody murder at him with some choice swear words and I wasn't - there was never an "I'm sorry" to Michael. Michael was really hurt and told me so after the boy ran off. It was the first time I saw a crack develop in his innocence and it was all I could do to not sit down and cry with him too.

Michael calmed down after a bit and resumed playing. I had to step in once again when an older child's version of playing was rollerblading away with one of the motorcycles. After that intervention, the first child came back and Michael started whimpering, "He hurt me," every time he saw him which just broke my heart. At that point I just gave up and packed us up to head for McDonald's for lunch - a day for it if there ever was one.

I think we'll be sticking with weekday park visits for a while. The worst part is that we were just starting to break the negative attention cycle but this lovely trauma pushed us back into it again. Lots and lots of deep breathing and reminders that he still needs a lot of loving even if I'm tapped out from coping with Alex and his GERD. I'm counting down the days to May 6th when we see the GI at CHOP and praying that I can get Alex some more relief. The spitting and the no-naps thing I can cope with, it's the screaming fits that I want to get rid of because they are the hardest for both me and Michael to deal with, not to mention the pain Alex must be in to scream like that in the first place.

Off to have dinner - then it's Fullmetal Alchemist and to bed.

Sibs!

I *think* these are about 2 weeks old. Enjoy!

Do I get a medal now?

We went to the Please Touch Museum this morning and Michael had a meltdown when I told him it was time to leave until we walked in the door at home complete with glass-breaking shrieks which I'm sure the other riders on the bus enjoyed just as much as I did. I have to remember to just answer his questions once - every time he asked why we had to go home I answered and thus prolonged the wailing that much longer.

Still - I did manage to keep my cool the whole time. I can't wait until the weather gets better and I can take the stroller up - doesn't help much once they move to Fairmount Park, but it will make things easier until then and I can stop at Trader Joe's or Whole Foods on the way back (not to mention Starbucks).

Alex, bless him, slept through the whole thing. Thankfully he's saving his meltdowns for when we are at home.

I told you so

It didn't go quite as bad as I thought it would, but it was still pretty bad none the less. We ended up going to John's branch for a visit then onto Starbucks and Wholefoods afterwards. Things started going a little sour when we were trying to get ready - Michael was excited and was stimming by alternately spinning around on the bed and running back and forth down the upstairs hallway. I finally got him to calm down enough to get dressed, but of course then Alex started up - nothing quite like trying to hurry your first child which is a study in frustration to begin with while your infant is screaming because the operations needed to get the first child dressed are not conducive to baby holding or wearing (maybe a back carry but I haven't practiced those yet). There were many small mini meltdowns and quite a few large ones over the rest of the trip. Oh and a note to the general public - would it really kill you to acknowledge the exuberant child saying, "Hi! How are you?". Having to distract him from those people who ignore him (because he will continue to ask it until he gets a response) is very frustrating and I'm not quite ready for my almost four year-old to learn that some people just don't care.

Not only do I have to learn to do these outings with two children, I am really out of practice for handling the meltdowns in public. I'm sure the chip on my shoulder was practically a flashing neon sign proclaiming, "Sure, go ahead and ask me why I can't control my child." I think we are going to have to go back to really using the stroller in these situations. Because I was so dependant on buses for most of my pregnancy, we stopped using it and he was doing great. Now he's taking to ripping his hand out of mine and dashing off in the other direction. I don't think a harness is going to work in this situation, but I could be wrong. There might be some initial crying when he gets in the stroller but he does truly seem happier in it, like he knows it's the best thing for both of us. Lots of things to think about.

Just one more thing before I nip off to see to Mr. Man - I think I deserve way mad props for making chicken enchiladas tonight for dinner from scratch, especially after my afternoon of being "that mom" in the grocery store/library/Starbucks. If I get the pumpkin bread done after the kids are in bed tonight, I think I'll have a June Cleaver trifecta.

Must dash - TTFN!

Just the facts...

I've started a long post about my never-ending quest to find baby-zen, but it requires thought and more importantly time, so here's a quickie post with atrocious grammar and sentence structure to let you know what's doing in our lives...

• Michael is wearing underwear! He's not doing it full time, but he's been wearing them to school and then changing back into a pull-up at home. He pretty much only poops in the pull-ups and uses the toilet to pee. It's been really hard to grit my teeth and just let him go at his own pace, but we are finally seeing results. John's going to work with him on pooping on the toilet or potty (hopefully the former) on the weekends.


• Alex gained a pound in 19 days - woo hoo! The reason I know this is because I had to take him to the ped's so we could get his Zantac dose increased. I'm really hoping that we can keep him on the Zantac only, but I'm starting to have my doubts. he is still vomiting at least twice a day and that doesn't count all the spitting that goes on as well. I don't think he has any food intolerances - his acne is completely gone and he has none of the classic symptoms, but I still have that niggling guilt in the back of my mind that I'm being selfish by not going on an elimination diet to find an environmental reason for the reflux. I know I could do it, but it would be awfully damn hard and things are pretty damn hard already so I know maintaining it would really take a toll. It's sort of like the guilt I felt for not pursuing a gluten-free diet for Michael or supplements after we got his autism dx (we did go dairy-free for 6 months with no real change). Definitely have to put this on the back burner for a while - taking care of myself and the two kids is more than enough to be going on. Let it be for now, Jenn.


• Someone has replaced my lower spine and SI joints with broken glass. The main culprit is the sling - my joints are still recovering from the pregnancy and do not do well with only one shoulder supporting Alex's weight. My chiropractor did a lot of work on me yesterday morning and I'm pretty sure I undid every bit of it when I put Alex in the sling when I got home. He's all cozy in the moby wrap right now and while my back is marginally happier, I'm just resigned to having to wear him for the duration because there is no way I can ease him out once he's deeply asleep like I can with the sling. I'm going to dig out some bone-colored linen I've had forever and try to make myself an onihumbo this weekend so I can get the support and weight distribution I need and still potentially ease him out.


• Let me say how much I like nursing! There are times where it does suck that I'm the only one who can feed him, but to be able to just leave like I did this afternoon with just my knitting, a receiving blanket and a diaper - it's fantastic. I've nursed him everywhere it seems - at the Please Touch museum, on a hay ride, in the park, at the peds office, and in Borders. I did manage to nurse him using the sling to support him twice now but I definitely have to practice more so I can become more proficient at it and avoid the screaming that accompanies my trying to figure out how to do it on the fly and keep Michael in sight.

Lunch needs making and eating, then dinner, ad infinitum...

TTFN!

Pictures!

Because it's been a while...

Brothers

Alex in action

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

An old clip of Michael from August '05

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com