I see his point...

but it still sucks.

I went hat in hand to see my psychiatrist today. In between Michael's squeals, I was able to communicate why I continually go off my meds and how I really need to be on them right now. He wrote me a scrip for the same dose of Welbutrin I've been taking for the past week and told me to come back in a month. The problem is, I'm not sure if that's enough to hold me. I told him this, again in between Michael's blatant disregard for "inside voice", and he told me that I have to get stable first, then we can increase the meds. He then went on to tell me some of the dangers of going off meds cold turkey (of which I am very aware). So now I've got to suck it up for the next couple of weeks and prove to him that I'm serious this time.

The first time in the past five years I want to be on medication, no scratch that NEED to be taking the psychotropic feel good happy coctail that is antidepressands and mood stabilizers, and I get the compliance, quitting cold turkey speech. I know, I know - this is what noncompliance results in. This is also what insurance not treating mental illness as the REAL medical condition that it really is results in. I've seen this man about a dozen times over the past five years and even on an intake appointment, the one that's supposed to last 45 minutes and get a detailed history and picture of your current mental state, I've never been in the room with him for more than 10 minutes. I have no relationship with him, so he knows nothing real about me or my history. He has no idea that the fact that I was even there today with cranky todler in tow was a sign of how serious my situation is right now.

I wish I could say that this was an isolated event, but I've dealt with many docs like this in the past. These are the docs for whom you are just another diagnosis from the DSM. The docs that I would tell, "I've had a bad reaction to X in the past. It caused A, B and C," who would then write me a scrip for X and send me on my way, because X is what is used to treat my diagnosis. If you think family docs and peds don't give you credit for actually knowing something, psychiatrists are worse. If I'm still having problems in the next couple of weeks, I already know the drugs that he is going to suggest I start taking - ones that I've taken in the past and either haven't worked, made things worse, or caused unliveable side-effects. I can see myself protesting, and giving detailed explainations as to why these drugs aren't for me. I can, unfortunately, see him dismissing my concerns, writing my scrips, and telling me to come back in four weeks.

Why do I continue seeing this man, you might ask? Because my insurance contracts with ONE mental health provider that I have a chance in hell of getting to. I think there are a few others out in the 'burbs, but for the city, this one is it. A city that has four medical schools in it. An insurance company that is supposed to be one of the best. I have to get treatment from this ass.

Hopefully, it won't come to this. I'm removing as many situational stressors as I can right now and after this weekend I don't owe nobody nothin', no how. I see my therapist tonight, and will get a lecture about how it's ok to call her outside office hours (which I do know and have done, just not as often as I should). At least she'll be an advocate for me if things warrant a more agressive pharmaceutical approach.

Well, bed awaits...

******Edit*******

Check your facts!

I just got done looking through my insurance company's mental health provider's listing, and there appear to be three other practices in that I can choose from. Even though it's more than the one I thought, I still stand by my outrage that there are not more covered providers.