Trying to find my way

Between my pregnancy and a combination of developmental milestones on Michael's part, I am having the hardest time keeping my cool with him. He has made so many huge strides forward. His understanding and language have exploded and I can do so many things with him now that I couldn't even imagine just a few months ago. He's also developed several new habits that I've never had to deal with before and it's been very hard to find my sea-legs. The heat and the exhaustion and crabbiness of early pregnancy have not helped matters at all. If I was having a hard time with him we'd just pack up the stroller and walk into town or to the library. This is not an option when its 90 degrees out with heat indexes in the 100's. Throw in the physical limitations of early pregnancy (which thankfully are starting to abate as my body gets adjusted), and our options are really limited. Since I'm still not sleeping well at night, my tolerance for these completely age-appropriate behaviors is very low and it's really hard not to snap. All that snapping accomplishes is the feed-back loop where those behaviors increase while my tolerance steadily decreases and we get to the point where I just want to scream.

He can't understand that I am troubled by the number of braxton-hicks I had this morning and the pubic pain from not seeing the chiro for two weeks and that is why saying that the noise the trolley door makes is silly in the accompanying silly voice every time the trolley stops and asking about the silly noise at least once between each stop for 20 blocks is not something I can deal with right then and there. I am trying so hard to spend some really quality time with him right now since we both really need it, it just feels like I'm ruining it by not coping with him well because of the pregnancy - one of the big reasons for having Mommy & Michael time in the first place.

I've been feeling like all I do recently is complain about him when it's really me who is the problem. It's the feedback loop that's the worst. Minor snapping is one thing, when it jumps to major snapping/raising my voice then it's a problem. I try to break it, but its really hard, especially if it starts at the beginning of an outing. Part of his development now includes remembering the I told him we were going to do X today, so if we don't do X then I have to cope with repeated requests for doing X and sometimes a small meltdown (especially if X involves going to Nana's house), so I'm really in a damned if I do/damned if I don't situation. We go out when I'm not at 100% and run the risk of the feedback loop starting or we stay home and deal with the feedback loop.

I do take the time to apologize to him and explain that I'm not feeling well right now and that's why I'm so short tempered and that we can both try to work together. On other fronts I'm going to try to get a new pillow this weekend so I'm not waking up from shoulder pain and chiro appointments are starting again on Monday (not too soon). After much debate and soul-searching I've also decided to start taking my meds again. Mommy-guilt has been working on me that the Welbutrin I took during my pregnancy with Michael *could* have contributed to his problems so I've been abstaining this time around. Not that I have any concrete evidence for this, just one of the multitude of things that keep me up at night. At least I can tell myself that I was med-free for the majority of the first trimester and that's something.

I really have to nap now, so I'll end my rambling self-flagellation here. More cheerful stuff in the works and the U/S pics of the bean will be up this weekend.