Thursday, February 15, 2007

Cabin Fever

Michael is asleep - Yay!!!!

The past two days he has refused to take a nap and I just wanted to cry - in fact I'm pretty sure I did both days. We've been pretty shut-in recently because the weather has just been too cold to do much more than dart from place to place assuming we even make it out of the house. The cabin fever is made even worse but my continuing nicotine detox - it will be one month tomorrow if I don't count the half a pack I smoked two weeks ago. I've not been very good at balancing things lately - so much energy is being spent on keeping myself sane that there is precious little left over for things like housework.

Michael's sleeping situation would definitely be improved if I did some hard playing with him every day but I just haven't been able to find the energy to do it. I often have to push myself to do things like that to begin with since it's just not my nature to really "play", I literally have to schedule it into the day and have set the kitchen timer to get 20 minutes of real play in with him. This is not to say that I don't interact with him - we are constantly talking with each other and he shows me what he's playing with and I offer help when he needs it. It's the get down on the floor and throw the ball around kind of stuff that I'm not good at. Since I removed my main sanity-saving behavior, it's been real tough. He is definitely sensing it too as we've seen some separation anxiety resurface and the fact that I actually had to lay down on the airmatress next to his crib to help him fall asleep which I can't even remember the last time I needed to do that.

I hate this feeling of not being able to find baby-zen. As much as it seems that I am complaining about my son constantly, it's really me who has to find my way. Aside from the chemical addiction to nicotine, I had a huge psychological addiction to smoking. Stepping out into my backyard for five minutes to have a cigarette provided a much needed break - those were five minutes that I wasn't and could not be a mom. Even if I wasn't getting my down time during the week, I still had those breaks throughout the day and they really saved my sanity. The problem is that it's been very hard to find something to fit into that sort of time interval. Knitting has been great, but it's impracticall and highly annoying to me to just knit in five-minute intervals. The same goes for spinning, hopping on the computer, and any number of other things. Yes, I could go out back to practice deep breathing for five minutes, but thus far I've been resistant to it.

I guess what it is that the smoking provided was not just the break, but the break from being a mom and a wife. I love my job with all of my heart, it's what I've always wanted to do and it has completed me in ways I cannot even begin to express. Maybe it's because I put so much of myself into it, that loosing those breaks is really hard. I take so much onto myself that I need to be able to shrug it off for five minutes at a time so that I can continue to shoulder the load. Smoking was the ultimate selfish act. I was feeding my addiction and slowly killing myself to boot. Now that smoking isn't there to "necessitate" those breaks, my mind can't get itself around the seemingly selfish aspect of taking a break. Breaks are not in any way, shape or form selfish. I need downtime in order to regroup and be the best mom and wife I can be, I cannot function without them. I've fallen into the trap of being the selfless mom and I don't know how to get out.

The weather looks like it will be bearable the next couple of days, so Michael and I won't be quite as housebound. I'm getting back on the ball with taking my meds and vitamins so that will provide some chemical relief from the weather and my nicotine detox. Last but not least, I am getting out of the house tonight for some much needed alone time. This is the first time in weeks I've gotten out by myself and I really have no one to blame but myself for it. More than anything else I have to make myself take this time because I function so much better with it.