Friday, November 25, 2005

Haus Frau in Training

I have the hardest time trying to reconcile what I am capable of doing and what I feel I should be doing. Between the fact that I am my son's primary caregiver, the low level of white noise caused by my depression, cooking, and the bit of housework I am responsible for I do deserve regular breaks. I spent a good thirty minutes vacillating between, "I've worked hard this week, I deserve a few hours to myself," and, "I've done nothing this week, why the hell do I need a break - this is John's day off and I should be cooking and cleaning."

I really need to break this mindset because it upsets John to no end. I sulk around the house with this black cloud of anger hanging over me, all the while he thinks I'm mad at him and he doesn't know what he's done wrong. I told him things would be so much easier if he would stop being the caring husband and father he is and start saying things like, "Woman! Where's my dinner?!" That way I could just be mad at him outright and stop beating myself up.

Well, the blueberry muffins need to come out of the oven and I need to get bundled up because I'm braving the arctic weather to go out by myself for a couple of hours.