Saturday, November 19, 2005

Reality Check

John and I had a bogged-down moment tonight. Both of us are still a bit worried about Michael's communication delay and the possibility of autism. John confessed that he worries about Michael's future; I confessed that I'm sometimes envious of my friends' babies and how they are fine developmentally. We both talked in circles about it for a while, reassuring each other, until Michael let us know on no uncertain terms that it was time for him to go to bed.

We started off with the normal bedtime struggles - the dreaded diaper change and then the donning of the pajamas. He actually let me put moisturizer on his legs and really seemed to enjoy it which was a first. Then we settled down in the glider and put on NPR which was playing some very nice instrumental music. For the first time in I don't know how long, he let me rock him to sleep.

It's almost indescribable, the feeling of his fleece-clad weight sitting on my lap and leaning back against my chest. Being able to hug him to me, shush quietly and give him a kiss on the top of his head each time I stop to inhale. Rocking back and forth and watching his eyelids slowly droop down and close. It was a moment I've always loved and have missed terribly with the advent of his independence. It was also the reminder that I needed that I love my boy more than anything else in the world and come what may, I am incredibly blessed. To know that this miracle loves and trusts me enough to fall asleep in my arms. That I've been granted the privilege of loving and guiding him through life. That I have the honor of bearing witness to all of this, each and every day. Thank you, Michael.